Loving boundaries are not for pushing people away. They articulate what you need in order to cultivate respect and love on a path to creating happy, healthy relationships and cultures.

This week in the podcast I share a client’s story of realizing in his effort to build an open engaging culture he neglected to establish healthy boundaries. Wednesday’s story, both the abbreviated version on Instagram and the more robust one on LinkedIn dives into a childhood lesson on the importance of providing breathing space so all living creatures have room to grow. The newsletter builds on the need for space before delving into how too much of that space can result in unhealthy boundaries from another perspective. Finally, as usual, this blog post is an attempt to pull it altogether.

 

What’s Loving about Boundaries?

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphil

Far too often we think about being loving, outwardly. In other words, showing love toward or for others. When we value loving our self FIRST, the outward expression is more genuine, powerful and lasting. Like the plants I speak about in the LinkedIn story and expand on in the newsletter, space for growth encourages all living beings to flourish. The two concepts of self-compassion and space are critical to a strategy to establish healthy boundaries.

Fences with Gates

The concept of fences making good neighbours always made perfect sense to me. As one of four sisters, I was hyper aware of what was MY space and I didn’t like the boundary to be crossed. Perhaps the biggest lessons we learn with siblings is how to establish and hold healthy boundaries. Struggling personally with the concept of the gate in my emotional fences, I realize how it resulted in a few hardened boundaries.

Perhaps gates need to be flexible and consent driven. At the same time that people like me need to consider opening the gate more often, others whose gates swing with the wind may need to add a latch. Rather than there being a hard and fast rule for how hard or flexible boundaries should be, each of us must assess and reassess frequently. This is where a coach helping expand self-awareness supports a client in finding or experimenting with a healthy path and approach.

Vulnerability

The story that developed in the newsletter was a moment when I was forced to ask myself what was keeping my boundaries so hard and fast with many people compared with others, who were shown a gate. I recall processing this with a few people and learning that I was very selective in when and to whom I showed vulnerability. The “close-talker” I reference in the newsletter story and a handful of others helped me see that I was the strong capable person for many and reserved my self-critical, vulnerable, even passionate self for a select few. Initially I was proud of this. I feel it’s responsible. To a big extent, I still do. What is the benefit of burdening others with my soft spots. Conversely, listening to my colleagues, I learned the fences often became, or were perceived as, walls that distanced me from people.

People do great work for, and want to support, people they like. Very few people like those who appear to be above them or removed. That was a tough lesson for me to learn. Just as, developing boundaries is really difficult for those who feel the overwhelming need to please others.

Asking for help. Showing vulnerability and humanity. These are qualities that help us connect with each other. Healthy boundaries allow for strength and vulnerability to dance together. When one is weak and willing to welcome assistance, they may be at their strongest.

 

Identity and Boundaries

Is there a connection between one’s identity and their boundaries? I think so.

Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choice.                                                                                                                  – G.M Hopkins

Perhaps boundaries reflect a sense of identity. Moreover, they may harden or open up to influence based on the degree to which one gains greater self-awareness. Stepping back to the story I share in my newsletter this week, it was with my colleague reflecting back to me how I was perceived and the impact, that I had the data to better assess who I am and, more importantly, who I want to be.

The Hemphill quote, see above, emphasizes the importance of space, however, it is important to also remember the significance of connection and vulnerability both in leadership and performance.

Referencing the story from this week’s podcast though, establishing boundaries early is also a way of protecting relationships. My client, who struggled with relationships in his earlier position, dropped his boundaries in hopes he could correct a past problem. He failed to respect his own identity by over correcting. Finally, he needed to bring that fence back into place both to respect his own needs and set appropriate expectations. Realizing his mistake, he was able to catch it relatively early and quickly add a well gated fence.

 

 

Boundaries are about loving self and others. They are a way of reflecting and honouring individual needs. Is there a neighbour who is stepping over boundaries a bit too often? What can be done to either raise a fence or a well-placed gate? Don’t forget to choose a latch that fits the situation.