How do we make our feelings of validation real and meaningful? In other words, how do we generate the self-confidence necessary to improve performance and increase satisfaction? Build it from the inside out. Internal validation is essential to living a meaningful and purposeful life.
I share the story of a beloved professor who lost sight of his value as he neared the end of a short but enormously influential life in this week’s podcast episode. Moreover, he seemed to be unable to find the core of who he was in the process. This is a man who had taken many of risks in his life, never seeking approval from the status quo.
The newsletter, while briefly expanding on the story of the professor, clarifies how I am connecting learned helplessness with internal validation. The newsletter story examines and illustrates one way we diminish access to the power that resides in a well developed internal validation. It may sound like I am blaming the parents. I am not. Read the story, they too were victim to learned helplessness. They were simply passing it along.
The Wednesday video on Instagram (abbreviated version) and LinkedIn (full version) also touch on my experience with the professor who taught me, through his example, how hard it is maintain that inner validation.
Finally, this post practically examines what it take to create inner validation and how to sustain it. The story below speaks to my efforts to work with a young employee who needed to find his so he could perform at his best..
Making Internal Validation Reality
We need to scuba dive in to our core self. Snorkeling isn’t enough. Internal validation is possible when we scuba dive. Of course, I’m not talking about literally scuba diving! We learn what matters most when we go deeply and honestly within our self.
Increased confidence is the obvious result of making internal validation a reality. Self-confidence fuels resilience. Moreover it supports our ability to take thoughtful risks. Deeply held confidence allows us to hold our space and use our voice effectively. It garners trust and respect.
What does it take? Practice. Below I outline three ways to get started. In the next section I outlined three more ways to sustain it once the practice is started. While I name coaching as an approach to sustain the skill, some find a coach very helpful in getting started too.
Noticing or Pay Attention
We can start by paying attention. We gain insights when examining our language. What generates anger within? There is good information in becoming aware of what energizes or depletes energy. Start noticing emotion. When we start recognizing what makes us feel happy or sad and what brings it on or diminishes it, we gain insight and useful self knowledge
Assessing while limiting the Rumination
When we can assess our behaviour and results without blaming or focusing on how it appeared to others it moves us toward more internal validation. Learning to assess and sometimes dispute or dismiss unproductive judgments is essential when we are working to develop more internal validation.
Establishing a Few Guiding Principles
After we strength our skills to notice and assess, it is possible for us to establish a few precepts or principles that align with who we want to be. By knowing our self well, we are better equipped to build a personal set of guidelines that support what we want and how we chose to be in the world.
Sustaining the skill for Internal Validation
Our work isn’t complete after we learn how to go deeply within our self to recognize our own value . In fact it may be just the beginning. Sustaining this level of self-awareness is fun and a lot of work. Below are three things we can all do to sustain an internal validation. They require effort but they are worthwhile skills to build.
Mediation, Journaling, Yoga or Focused Cardio
There are similar qualities and benefits to each one of these practices. I am not going to describe them individually here but I will offer that when applied with care each one can centre us, our energy and our thinking or feeling. One of my favourite stories is about hearing Sharon Salzberg speak a few years ago. Sharon is a mediation icon. I first learned to meditate in 1988 and have practiced it since. She reenergized my daily practice when she reminded us that the act of meditating is about learning to forgive our self every few moments. It is impossible for human beings to still their mind for more than two minutes. this means we have an opportunity to release the judgment and bring our minds back every minute or two. We won’t be stuck in rumination when we learn to forgive our self through the practice.
Directed Dialogue
I hosted the Rotman RoundTables for two years where we used a Bohm-style dialogue model to explore difficult issues in misogyny, patriarchy and gender equity. Developing a practice where we have an opportunity for non-judgmental dialogue about meaningful and challenging subjects forces us to challenge our own internal validation as we are confronted by others doing the same. It may be difficult to find a group like this so why not create one.
Coaching
We all benefit from engaging with people who hold space for us. Most of us don’t need a psycho-therapist or clinical psychologist. We can grow and sustain the confidence built through a practice of internal validation with the services of a coach or a mentor. The upside is that studies show when we invest in this kind of support or focus, the quality of our life increases significantly in all ways.
A Story…
There are so many angles to explore on this topic of internal validation. I considered focusing on the sabotaging impact of the inner critic. The newsletter included a story that examine how internal validation is connected to fixed mindset or the need to prove something. Herein, I decided to share a story of self-discovery. It is in self-discovery that we learn to both trust and embed a meaningful sense of self.
Background on the story….
This is a story of a young man who worked for me many years ago. We’ll call him Rusty. He experienced a difficult home life growing up. He’d developed a pattern of fighting the entire world to prove his value. Playing football in high school and university was a useful outlet and he liked the feeling of bulking up his body. It made him feel powerful and in control on the outside. He charmed every teacher and woman he met creating other problems. The only person he seemed to respect was his grandfather, who raised him when his mother abandoned him as a child.
When it came time to enter the workforce, educated with a degree in commerce, he had poorly developed emotional intelligence or relationship skills. He was willing to work hard and he was willing to fight for his place in the world. I met him when I was hiring to fill a newly formed management position. He’d worked in the company, in an entry level position for five months. He had no supervisory experience. It was bit of a stretch for me to select someone who had not been in my department but I granted him an interview. He earned the position and was promoted into a Senior Management spot, to everyone’s surprise.
I saw a fighter and a very smart young man. In the interview he impressed me by how he handled my challenges. It was raw and sometimes unsettling. I am known for taking my time in hiring. In fact some of my past employees joke about how many interviews they had to survive before being offered the job. He is among this group.
The Incident…
I mentored this young man. I was drawn to his thinking and processing skills and his instincts. Something told me if I worked with him on building more social and emotional intelligence he would develop into an exceptional leader.
One day I was challenged by a peer, Sam, who was also one of my internal customers. I had assigned him support from my team and he was challenging me openly on how this decision was made. His approach was inappropriate and demonstrated his disrespect for me. This wasn’t the first time. In fact his Senior Director had insisted he join me for mediation to deal with his behaviour toward me in the past.
On this day Sam was angry and willing to openly and physically show it. He applied physical gestures and yelling in an attempt to intimidate and bully me into giving him what he wanted from my department. A quick aside. A few months later, based on this incident and another unethical action he took in response to being reprimanded, Sam was fired.
For our story though, what Rusty did is the focal point. Rusty, witnessing the intimidating behaviour, directed at me put his fist through a wall in the conference room. Clearly I had to respond and take serious action to either terminate him or re-mediate the situation.
The Turning Point
Rusty was shocked by how angry and firm I was in response to his actions. After all, his actions demonstrated his loyalty to me. I saw confusion, not anger, when I informed him, I as considering firing him for cause. He needed to show me he could successfully rectify the situation.
He was willing to do the work. I engaged the woman who lead the Employee Relations Department of HR, Patricia. I trusted her to be both bold and fair. She helped me develop a formal Corrective Action Plan. The first thing we learned is that he didn’t trust people easily but once he did, he was all-in. In other words, he hadn’t developed a strong sense of internal validation but would attach it to the people he trusted. That wasn’t healthy or productive. I didn’t need him to protect me or support me blindly. I made that clear to him.
Over the next few months we worked out the plan to build Rusty’s confidence and skills in relationship building, communication and conflict management. Most of the application of the skills he was working on with Patricia were to be evaluated by me in our collaboration and my observations of his work with his peers, internal clients and direct reports. He was a quick study. Even our conversations changed dramatically.
Soon I saw his confidence grow as he challenged my thinking and then realized how much I appreciated it. He saw how his success grew when channeling his sharp thinking skills into problem solving and building on the ideas of others.
Lesson Learned
Rusty learned how to feel validated from within by first being supported in working on it and then witnessing for himself how much more fulfilling it made his career and his life. He is now a C-Suite executive for an International Company.
A few years later when on a business trip together Rusty told me, “As an athlete I learned the importance of confidence. Confidence generated results. Now I realize the source of that confidence matters more than having it.” I agree. When our confidence comes from a strong sense of self and a deep self-awareness it is strong and resilient.
Walk with me to where you want to be.
Real Validation is an Inside Job – the core of the BYI System
My Bank Your Impact System is built on the foundation of self-awareness. Internal validation is only possible when one has clarity on their values, beliefs, patterns and habits.
It is also influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
At its core, the BYI System seeks to uncover the heart or core of the vantage point chosen and cultivated by each participant. This is a critical step in order to nurture and express it.
shed light on the participant’s strengths and values, realizing that everything they produce in their life bubbles out of them through the intervening limiting beliefs, attitudes, mindset, patterns and habits. Our frames offer clues helping navigate our journey to self awareness.
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, you can…
- Book me to speakat your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!