In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped Monday, I share an insight I had when re-engaging with an old system when it became an app. Exploring the layers that make us who we are is a life long adventure.
For the newsletter, I liken our identity to an abstract work of art. It isn’t clear or easily defined. Our identity is perhaps in the eye of the beholder. Yet it’s malleable enough when we are willing to do the work of reconciling contradictions when they appear.
In the weekly Instagram and LinkedIn video I share a little story from my childhood. A story that still makes me smile. Many people don’t see this side of me but those who do recognize the apparent contradictions.
Finally in this post my emphasis is on the power and process of reconciling contradictions that make us who we are and who we are becoming.
Reconciling Contradictions Translates Powerfully
First, we’d be a boring species if we were completely predictable and static in nature. Moreover, it is in our inherent contradictions where we generate power.
Our personalities, inclinations and values don’t fit neatly into boxes. Of course it sometimes helps to take stock and even develop a snapshot in time of who we are being. Furthermore, it is critical that we don’t paint our self into a corner, only to feel stuck there.
My friend, Betty-Ann Heggie recently published an amazing book called: Gender Physics. I recall when she described the project a few years back. I was excited about the subject matter and her approach to examining the way people engage based on a very common box or label we place on our self: gender. Gender is an artificial construct. We have assigned behaviours and limits on people based on gender. While we are recently challenging the notion of gender being limited to men and women, we seem less capable of distinguishing between what is considered feminine and masculine. When we examine more closely and do the work of reconciling the contradictions involved, each of us will rise above the limitations.
A Story…
Recently one of my clients, we’ll call him Ben, expressed concern that his character strengths assessment identified three out his top strengths as being “weak”. Eventually he confessed they seemed like qualities that would be valued in women. He was uncomfortable saying this to me but it opened up a very meaningful exploration in identity.
Ben had scored himself high in: love – valuing close relationships with others; gratitude – taking time to express appreciation; and, humour – liking to laugh and tease.
As we explored he admitted when he shared this with a couple of his men friends and even his spouse, they laughed at him and it hadn’t felt supportive. This client is a senior director in a large multi-national company and he is working with me to prepare for his desired leap into an executive role. He is afraid this character strength assessment is holding him back.
It was only in the process of translating his strengths in action and results they generated that he recognized the power realized by nurturing these traits.
Reconciling Contradictions in Identity: a process
As in most explorations, it starts with noticing. Set a hypothesis each year and enjoy the journey of discovery. We are all worthy of exploration.
Life is one big Experiment
What if we could all approach our life as an experiment. Each day would offer wonders and insights. Perhaps some would reveal break-through revelations.
Let’s start by noticing more. Learning to make note, to take note, is a powerful exercise. Every experiment requires a set of elements for observation. The hypothesis we are seeking to prove or disprove is the beginning, of course. Then we need to determine our control group and the variables under observation.
What if we focused our review of our identity in the same way. With a process of discovery who knows what we will learn about our self. It may even help us understand others better too.
Story continued…
Ben accepted the challenge of experimenting with his strengths. He designed a plan to observe and evaluate his application of these three qualities: love, gratitude and humor. First he chose to observe himself in meetings and make note of one example of each that he displayed. Secondly he identified two people he trusted who were on his team to also observe and share examples of related behaviours. Finally, after a week of examining the findings he created a rubric to zone-in on what he was learning about himself.
After couple of months Ben reported three key lessons to me. One, initially he was modulating his behaviour to make up for his discomfort and it was negatively impacting his effectiveness. Second, those observing him naturally compared the changes he had made to how they had experienced him before modulations and expressed concern. Third, his ability to get things done and build an fully engaged team was, in part, due to the way these qualities had been incorporated in his leadership presence.
This experiment moved into phase two where he learned how to incorporate more of these strengths. Additionally, he decided to play with how to apply them in new and expanded ways.
How can each one of us learn to notice apparent contradictions in our identity and turn them over to see what lessons they may offer us? Interested? Walk with me.
Be part of the journey in 2020.
Start by subscribing to my mailing list . Subscribers receive:
- My interactive exercise to begin reducing the impacts of stress and feelings of overwhelm will be sent.
- My newsletter with the related podcast episode will be sent weekly.
- Special offers will be available to subscribers monthly including: a random offer of a complimentary one hour coaching conversation, access to roundtable engagements and group coaching on identity and related subjects, as well as information on an initiative on which I’m collaborating: #FeMasCon.
Reconciling Contradictions in Bank Your Impact (BYI)
We are reconciling contradictions throughout the BYI system. Moreover, the processes of reconciliation requires that we dive deeply into who we are and how we can access more of our depth in our work to be more effective in creating the life we want.
Furthermore, to get what we truly want in life, we need to be willing to persist, seek help, and continually look for transferable learning opportunities. Additionally, we need to be willing to question our choices and expand our options through healthy curiosity and a search for unique perspectives. Furthermore, identifying and nurturing our identity is the place to start.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Undoubtedly, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In all my blog posts in 2019, you will find this section outlines what brought me to this area of focus: supporting people in the early to middle part of their career as a #performance #coach.
You can read more about my work and my in the About Me section of the website and below is a recording of my #bigwhystory:
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below are TWO ways to start, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list. You’ll receive an interactive exercise that you may use to reduce and manage stress or feelings of overwhelm. PLUS each week you’ll receive my podcast and reflections in your inbox AND you’ll be invited to monthly webinars and roundtable conversations.
In closing, I love bringing learning experiences to workplaces that are interested in raising their performance and encouraging their people.
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits! In 2020 I’ve added a few workshops on gender engagement – how, by knocking off the boxes that limit us by gender we all find our capacity expands.