Self-deception is the lazy way. However, deception, more broadly has proven to be essential to evolution. Just the same self-deception is living in an alternate reality of one’s own making. It is a lie.

Refuse to waste energy on self- deception. It eats up potential by creating a false sense of comfort and ease that will eventually collapse in and swallow up any success. Instead invest on building a foundation of self awareness.

This week’s The Kickass Koach podcast introduces the theme by exploring what self-reflection may reveal.

The Wednesday newsletter examines a client story that depicts one form of self-deception – deflection. In the Wednesday video story on LinkedIn and the abbreviated version on Instagram I share a story from childhood when I deceived myself into believing a person I admired was my friend.

This post recaps four forms of self-deception. Secondly, it touches on the power of the stories we tell. Finally, I examine the connection to honesty and authenticity.

 

Four Forms of Self-Deception

Self-deception is, interestingly, more than a human trait. It is part of creation – all living creatures. Moreover, it’s found in nature. Sometimes it is a defense mechanism or a survival mechanism. I recall first learning about the chameleon in grade school and marveling at the trickery in nature. It turns out that deception, even self-deception is a ingrained survival mechanism. Science shows that organisms that do not continuously improve their ability to deceive are less likely to survive.

Knowing the value of using deception suggests we learn how to use it consciously rather than having it acted upon us without our consent. Below are the foue most common ways we can begin to recognize, specifically, self-deception.

Deflection and Projection

My newsletter examined this concept. Deflection is protection against admitting something you don’t like about yourself. I briefly mentioned an example about my mother and story telling. I get impatient with her when she tells the same old stories. She has great stories but it’s a trait she passed on to me that I don’t like in myself so I express my annoyance when I see it in her.

One of my brothers-in-law has exaggerated versions of some of my traits too. I noticed my inner reaction to him one day; he pushes my buttons. As soon as I realized what was happening I learned to laugh about it. My sister probably doesn’t appreciate being shown how she married a guy who has characteristics that match some of the things in her older sister that she’s never liked. However, once I could see it and admit it, it no longer bothers me. In fact, I am more generous to myself for how I’ve learned to manage those characteristics.

Regression

We’ve all been here. A client just this week told me about how her family refuses to acknowledge her accomplishments. She relayed disappointment in herself for falling into old habits with them in response to not feeling valued for who she is. Regression comes out of feeling insecure – like you don’t fit or belong. In our own family we may behave in keeping  with old stories or a stereotypical immaturity. At the workplace when we don’t feel valued or appreciated it may be displayed in conflict or passive aggressive hostility.

I recall, in my mid 20’s, when visiting with my siblings, I felt dismissed suddenly. It took me back to memories of being the middle child and left out of my sisters’ plans. I had a temper-tantrum, suddenly finding myself in the basement by myself angry. Quickly realizing what had happened I laughed, rejoined my family and apologized for the histrionics. I’ve always enjoyed relating this story since most of us are rarely willing to admit to these moments. Regardless, we all have them.

Rationalization

Rationalization is likely the most common form of self-deception I see in my practice working with 30-somethings. Why was I passed over for that promotion? Leadership is made up of old farts. What makes it so hard for my boss to acknowledge my good work? She is jealous of my skills and my good-looks.

The way we lie to ourselves is related primarily to how we think. What we tell our self is critical to whether we are rationalizing to avoid looking for and understand the situation or to manage a bad situation for the short term. If it is part of a conscious strategy the impact is quite different than when rationalizing to avoid the truth. Humans are meaning makers so when we feel out of control and we don’t want to face it we explain it. The tricky thing is that this skill when harnessed consciously can actually be healthy. We discuss that in the BYI System.

Justification

Justification is the most difficult form to confront. I had a disadvantaged childhood. All the great opportunities were taken before I joined the company. I didn’t get to go to the right schools. I act out in meetings because of how I’ve been diminished for my background.

Past experience is used to justify bad behaviour including applying one self fully to the opportunities in front of us. It is our choice on how to respond to the situations we face. We’re able to take responsibility for our behaviour when we stop deceiving our self. When we take responsibility, change and growth is more likely

When we use our experiences to help us build more self awareness rather than to justify behaviour, real change and excellence in performance becomes possible. Experiences don’t define a person. The chosen response may though. Refrain from justifying and instead seek to understand and grow more self-aware.

The Stories We Tell

When do our stories define us? What do our stories reveal about us? Furthermore, what will we learn when mining them for the lessons and the insights that will richly increase our self-awareness?

Are collective stories as powerful as individual stories? How do we find our place in the collective story without ceding ownership of our own personal tales?

What is the significance of both a collective or individual story in determining outcomes?

The most important consideration in decided which stories each of us chooses to tell, whether to the world or to the self, is CHOICE. It is each person’s choice. I observe the power of context to both shape and define the stories we choose. Moreover, In the act of choosing, plenty is revealed.

I is also clear to me that each person can rise above both circumstances and old stories to reshape their future and rewrite their stories. In fact, that is where the power of becoming more self-aware is most deeply held. Telling life limiting stories is not a death sentence. Any one can rewrite any story and reshape their narrative by simply paying attention and looking differently at their circumstances.

The stories each of us tell our self and the world have a significant impact on our ability to reach our desired destination so examine your stories and find the nuggets and lessons that await you.

 

Self-Deception: A Truth

 

Is truth absolute? Perhaps it is but the stories we tell our self are so powerful they become a truth. Telling a true story to the world or to our self is about more than being or finding the self. It’s about choosing and shaping the self with intention. In fact, we must examine our stories to know our own truth purpose.

So many speak of authenticity as though it were the ideal. Is it instead a projection of old stories that have embedded deeply within? I remember when reading Trump won his base by being authentic. If that narcissistic boor of a man is the model of authenticity, I feel compelled to reject the term as meaningful, unless to suggest someone pandering to the masses.  I choose to use the word genuine to speak of those brave enough to put forward their unvarnished self.

Being genuine and honest in engagement, builds trust. Furthermore, we can all benefit from examining how we hide the genuine and display the image we think will win favour. In fact, it’s possible an unexamined deception is a threat to our happiness, success and potentially, survival.

Because of our enormous capacity, as humans, to engage in self-deception, we may fail to recognize when we’re lying, even to our self. It is impossible to build a desired life out of a lie. Becoming more self-aware prepares us to live a more genuine, rich, real and successful life. A life that will make us happy and feel fulfilled.

We’re not clear about what we feel, think or even believe when lies, secrets and silences fester in the self. Our goals, dreams and desires are not are own. Our behaviour is not aligned with our values and core beliefs. It’s time to do the work to become self-aware.

 

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Breaking Self-Deception – The Heart of the BYI System

The underlying driving-force in creating the BYI System for my clients IS to invest continuously to grow self-awareness. Most of us have moments in our life when we choose an alternative reality. My impulse to choose as my motto – “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” (Max Planck) – is directly related to a realization that reality is easily skewed by perception. While being open to seeing from different vantage points is healthy, getting stuck in a false reality is not; furthermore, it can be dangerous.

At its core, the BYI System seeks to shed light on the participant’s strengths and values, realizing that everything they produce in their life bubbles out of them through the intervening limiting beliefs, attitudes, mindset, patterns and habits. Where one gets stuck in self-deception is a clue that helps navigate the journey to self awareness.

The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational.

The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).

My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.

 

Holding space to support my clients in:

• Developing meaningful insights
• Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
• Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
• Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights

An organic experience

The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.

 

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In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now  walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.

 

 

Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?

 

If that is working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.

 

Willing to do the work to find more meaning?

 

 

With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…

 

My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.

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