“Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.” – Emily Dickinson
“Even in the mud and scum of things, something always, always sings.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The 2020 theme of identity continues with my exploration of who we are and who we want to be.
In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped November 9th, I declare how much I like who I am. This declaration came as I reflected on a charming interview given by the comedian, Leslie Jones AND a values assessment I engage in for a class.
For the newsletter, I examine a moment in time when a unique 360 review challenged my belief that my super power is that I like who I am. Essentially, I learned I am not very likable and that is just fine.
Finally, in this post I explore how discovering who we are helps us like our self and how our life and performance is markedly improved when we enjoy who we are.
Who Am I – Discovered
We get to know people over time and through sharing vulnerabilities, interests and experience. We get to know our self the same way.
I’m not a people-person in the traditional sense. I was known as a partier at one point. Regardless, I hate gatherings of people. they leave me feeling shallow and empty. Put me with a small intimate group and I enjoy every moment. Once I accepted that this is what I loved I made different choices. In time I learned I needed to reflect one what I loved and enjoyed and seek that out rather than adjusting constantly to what I thought I should love.
Thankfully, I am a very single-minded and disagreeable. In other words, going along to get along is not in my nature. This made it easier for me to set my own boundaries and build my life around my own preferences. In time I learned I performed and behaved at my best when I respected my own boundaries and preferences.
My insights about who I am were only possible when I learned to love my own company.
“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.” – Eva Ensler
Who Am I – in Theory
Who I am in theory, is a decent starting place. We must go further and find who we are in reality. I learned to start with theory though. Test things out. The Ensler quote, above, hadn’t been written yet but it describes what I learned as my life unfolded.
In my late teens I experienced an attempted rape and still clearly recall the feeling of leaving my body and never wanting to return. I don’t totally understand how those who fully experience the soul penetrating experience of a sexual assault ever find their way back into accepting their body. That said, it was after that summer before university that I started focusing on finding out who I am, in theory.
I was starting at a University 3000 kilometers away. While my parents insisted on driving me 1200 kilometers before dropping me at the train station in Winnipeg with my steamer trunk, I was fully ready for the solitude of my train trip into a place where I knew no one. At some level I knew I was only acquainted with myself. I had a long way to go to learn who I really am. I must admit, while the push that drove me to cherish my solitude is still difficult to ponder, the new me I was starting to see was intriguing, in theory. That is the heart of this lesson.
Until I was willing to take the risk of being me and not being like, I couldn’t really get to know who I am. It has been steadily more liberating to move from theory to reality, I am still on the journey and hope my readers are taking the necessary steps to first learn who they are in theory and finding the courage to test their theory.
Who AM I – Realized
I am who I am. Strangely, the more I accept who I am, the more I like her. I am not always a nice person. Still, I like me. Moreover, the more I seek to be who I am authentically, the better it feels. Interestingly, the biggest laugh I get now is when I declare who I am by describing myself honestly and both people who have known me 40 years and not long at all try to protect me from this reality.
For example, I know I am difficult. I have shared that in posts before. One thing I have learned is that when we accept who we are we begin to see the value in all of our traits. Once we see value in a trait we will put it to good use. In fact we will moderate those that are problematic more readily because we see what it can offer. The greater self-awareness allows us to act with self-regulation skills. Once we are able to lean into our strengths more responsibly they become more useful. The sense of agency this generates expands our agency in everything we do.
When we realize who we are, with all our warts and idiosyncrasies, we see our humanity and our beauty with clarity. This is the beginning of the journey to self acceptance. AND, with self-acceptance, our capacity to perform at the highest level when the chips are down grows.
Life is one big Experiment
An experimental, iterative, approach to life is a recognition of the power and influence of progress. The most important experiment we can do is the one that helps us understand the truth about who we are. Perhaps it is the purpose of our life. In doing so we shift how we see the world, our self and others.
Continuous learning and fresh insights are the goal of the experimental approach. What will the evidence teach us? Moreover, this approach is generative in addition to being iterative. With an experimental collaborative approach, we may find progress is faster while we go further. In collaboration we can crack this, but only together with a willingness to learn and honour the data and the stories, will we arrive where we seek to go.
We may be capable of more closely monitoring and learning from our choices and decisions and build capacity to adjust our actions to meet the current situation. Then, we may influence how things unfold. Furthermore, there’s a difference between wanting something and making something happen. With the mindset necessary to perform under pressure we’re able to influence results more deeply. This mindset that relies on clarity, curiosity and a resilient spirit we accept no excuses, only meaningful results. Furthermore, it’s essential we learn to evaluate the risk of any action, removing the very human emotions that cloud our judgment.
Walk with me.
Together let’s examine options consciously and authentically to make choices that move us strategically toward where we want to be. Where may client wants to go is my paramount focus. Strategy is a about choices. Execution on these choices requires masterful performance. Furthermore, a well-developed process allows us to enjoy the journey far more fully
Be part of the journey in 2020.
Start by subscribing to my mailing list . Subscribers receive:
- My interactive exercise to begin reducing the impacts of stress and feelings of overwhelm will be sent.
- My newsletter with the related podcast episode will be sent weekly.
- Special offers will be available to subscribers monthly including: a random offer of a complimentary one hour coaching conversation, access to roundtable engagements and group coaching on identity and related subjects, as well as information on an initiative on which I’m collaborating: #FeMasCon.
How we Bank Our Impact (BYI) Reflects our Humanity
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021). My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In all my blog posts in 2019, you will find this section outlines what brought me to this area of focus: supporting people in the early to middle part of their career as a #performance #coach.
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me… My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below are TWO ways to start, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list. You’ll receive an interactive exercise that you may use to reduce and manage stress or feelings of overwhelm. PLUS each week you’ll receive my podcast and reflections in your inbox AND you’ll be invited to monthly webinars and roundtable conversations.
In closing, I love bringing learning experiences to workplaces that are interested in raising their performance and encouraging their people.
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits! In 2020 I’ve added a few workshops on gender engagement – how, by knocking off the boxes that limit us by gender we all find our capacity expands.