“The strength in one of us, comes from all of us.” – UNKNOWN
I’ve used the above quote in the footer of e-mail correspondence for years. It speaks to how connected we all are. Furthermore, it reminds me that when I lean into my own strength and equally value the strengths of another, possibly different from my own, great outcomes are more achievable.
Asking for Help
Is asking for help a sign of weakness? Perhaps like apologizing, it’s an acknowledgement that in a healthy community we’re all interdependent. Many people, typically men, perceive a need to ask for help as weakness. Incidentally, this may be why the stereotype of men refusing to ask for directions still has legs!
What about the research that suggests some, more women than men, especially in the workplace, don’t reciprocate when helped. What can we learn from that? I was stunned to read this research initially. As I reflecting on the details and my experience with people I realized, just as a resistance to seeking help comes from perceptions of weakness, so does an unwillingness to reciprocate. Think about it. Given the research demonstrates this is typically more of a phenomenon, particularly with women in male dominated environments, it is a reflection of feeling weak or less powerful or valued.
Asking and Accepting Help Expands Trust
Interestingly, when one asks for or accepts help from another, trust grows. Leaders who learn to apply this with a team who reports to them, quickly see how it builds productive relationships. It’s not because we want people to be beholden to us, which is what many initially believed. Above all, it is the result of one feeling valued for their contribution that makes them trust and respect the other. Therefore, it is wise for leaders or managers, no matter the scope of responsibility or influence to embed this behaviour in their style of engagement.
Furthermore, this same technique works in all other relationships, including raising children. Think of that old adage, that which a person has a hand in creating, they’ll rarely destroy. In other words, by simply inviting input and asking for help to understand – whether seeking cooperation from a leader, direct report, colleague, partner, parent, or child – one can more effectively build and maintain buy-in for their ideas.
Offering to Help
As noted above, offering to help can also feel threatening when there is a power differential. Self-doubt clouds one’s value or fear that the contribution will not be appreciated or even welcome holds people back from offering.
Insights out of Weakness
Most people are afraid of what weakness reveals about them. And yet, as my story about my father, as an example, reveals, knowing someone more fully, warts and all, actually builds affection, loyalty and trust. People’s weakness is often what bonds others to them.
My stroke
I survived cancer in my 20’s. I wouldn’t share the news of my diagnosis with most people, even when I was recovering from surgery. This was unacceptable weakness to me. It was evidence of something wrong in who I was. That was silly but I remember how deeply I felt it.
In 2011, in my 40’s, I suffered a stroke. Three clear infarctions on my brain and I lost the use of my left hand, my face drooped and I eventually lost full feeling in my left foot. It all return during my 2 weeks in hospital. I told everyone who would listen about my experience. This time it was an adventure. The doctors – at every level of their strange hierarchy – were fascinating. Even as they poked and prodded me I studied their strange system of power struggles. Perhaps it was my attitude to this experience with weakness that prepared me to make so many dramatic changes in my life in the next 3 years.
Furthermore, this experience taught me to view weakness in a whole new light. I am a strength-based coach who adamantly believes that leveraging one’s strengths is a more joyful and successful road to walk. I don’t ignore my weakness, I look for the direction to which they point. To the lessons they reveal and the clues to how I can leverage my strengths to over come them. With my stroke, it was my curiosity, one of my top strengths, that served me most effectively.
Transforming to Strength
Transformation is all in the mindset. Seeing weakness as a data point, not a condemnation or judgement of the person, including my self, changed everything for me.
Once again I feel compelled to share my life and career motto from Theoretical Physicist and father of quantum physics, Max Planck. “When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.”
When weakness is viewed through the prism of one’s strengths and dreams and opportunities, the lessons and fresh signs appear. The trick is to not get caught in the fear and despair feelings of weakness can produce. Be a problem solver. It is perfectly fine to need some time to grieve a loss but the sooner one can apply a strength, the sooner possibilities and new options reveal them self. Whether the strength is pragmatism or creativity, or love of beauty, or perspective, leverage that strength to its fullest and transform what has appeared as weakness into a new adventure.
Influence Through Humility
One day in my youth someone, and I don’t recall who, told me that “humility makes space for new possibilities”. I’ve thought of this often. It’s guided me to take ownership of mistakes when I strongly resisted the need. This quote helped me feel less entrenched in being right or proving myself. Moreover, if you listen to my Big Why story you’ll hear a story (audio recording below) of one of these times.
It was in practicing with this quote and working to internalize it that I learned that apologizing isn’t weakness. The behaviour that created the need for an apology MAY be where the weakness exists though. As a Canadian we’re frequently teased for our constant apologies. Sometimes people use “sorry” mindlessly but ironically for me, the friend who uses it to distraction is from the U.S. When I pointed that out, her respond was, “I love Canada. I want to be an honorary Canadian so I’ll continue doing this , if you don’t mind.” Now, that’s the kind of response we expect from our neighbours to the south.
One lovely example of the power of apology that comes from humility is the creation of Japan’s peace garden. In an interview last year with Christiane Amanpour I recall a guest, when discussing reconciliation as a critical element in the effort to heal the enmity in the world, talking about this garden. She remarked on how Japan, following the transformation that resulted in the creation of this amazing space, has more power today in the world than they did as an empire.
Is Weakness the Shadow of Strength?
That may be one way of looking at weakness, but I’m not convinced it’s the most helpful. Earlier in this article I made the point that weakness was a window into insights or fresh lessons. This was my experience when suffering a stroke. In this week’s podcast I share a story about coming face to face with feedback about how my lowest strength is likability. I’ve always known that. I’m disagreeable so, as my best friends often say, I can be an acquired taste. I’m the perfect friend when you need a strong advocate but when you want someone to simply tell you what you want to hear, look elsewhere.
It was when examining the polarity of likability, that some social scientists identify as, integrity, it was clear to me why I wasn’t scoring aces in likability measures. Recognizing this, opened more learning and self awareness.
In conclusion, living in your strengths is the only way to get where you want to be and enjoy both the journey and the destination. The key piece of knowledge required to both recognize and leverage your strengths is only accessible when investing in expanding self-awareness.
Strengths-based Lessons in the BYI System
At the core of my philosophy, so of course a foundation to my BYI System, is the belief that we grow and better our self by focusing on our strengths. After reading the blog post, if it wasn’t clear in the earlier posts this week, I suspect my emphasis on growth by leveraging strengths is abundantly evident.
One reason I plan to incorporate a more in-depth workshop component (which is currently only available to organizations) in 2021, is to highlight the power of individuals learning from and with others with different strengths. Weakness is most destructive when we fall into the trap of valuing strengths as though there’s a hierarchy. In fact, even in collaboration with a person where strengths are shared, it will become clear that they likely manifest and bloom differently in each person.
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is all about developing and embedding self-awareness. Benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations and I’ll eventually add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you ( my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me…
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that is working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTER for an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team, you can…
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!