Connecting is part of the human DNA. Perhaps it’s more aptly described as oxygen in our blood; we NEED it to survive. From the womb you’ve needed to be and feel connected to another. THAT never changes. Here’s an interesting twist: you’ve likely fought for independence ONLY to find THIS need pulling you back in line.
In this post I will explore the three factors in connecting that I mention in this week’s podcast episode: Vulnerability, Clarity and Empathy. Then I will take a few minutes to explore empathy through a few elements I mentioned from the Kavanaugh Event in the United States.
Connecting – Three Factors
Vulnerability
Truly connecting with another requires your willingness to be vulnerable. You may meet many people, work with many people AND YET truly connecting and collaborating with another means you must be willing to share something of yourself. EVEN, expose your foibles and frailties and emotions and hang-ups! It may seem counter-intuitive. Still, when you are willing to be vulnerable, you’ll find people are attracted to your humanness.
Openness
A key part of vulnerability is openness. Connecting with another person or a team of people requires that you open yourself up to be known. This may leave you exposed to judgment. That’s not pleasant. ONLY when you’re willing to be seen will you make the impact you really want to make in the world. The beauty and the paradoxical nature of openness determines that when you’re willing to share your humanity in all its weakness, you build the strongest bonds. When you are weak, you are STRONG!
I share a little story in this week’s newsletter about how a deeply entrenched connection was made by simply catching eyes with another person at a boardroom table. I felt seen and understood in that moment and it extended far beyond the moment of vulnerably revealing ourselves in a glance.
Curiosity
How do you feel when you admit you don’t know something. It actually frees you from the bondage of being sure. Far too many of us learn or carry a limiting belief that to NOT KNOW is to be weak. Some might say you “lose face”. Were you the student who could ask the “dumb” question or were you the one who had to scramble or pretend because you didn’t want to be “found-out”?
Curiosity makes us vulnerable AND interestingly by exposing them self, the brave win admiration. Think of that “What-If” student in a class or in the last meeting you were in. Of course some of you roll your eyes at the courage that curiosity unleashes but most of you, as you mature any way, see the brilliance and want some of it.
Whether it’s curiosity about life or a business idea or about the other person, it’s on the act of learning and understanding what is yet unknown that connections are formed or deepened.
Clarity
To build meaningful connections, whether they are touch-point or deeply embedded connections, you must be making an effort to know yourself. Of course you’re building friendships and partnerships while you are in the process. The process is life long. I was talking recently with a friend who I met on-line and have been conversing with for a couple of years. Almost like clock work, her assistant contacts me quarterly ensuring to schedule our chat. Everything about this relationship and our conversations are inspiring. A few months back she entered a business partnership and this week I was asking how she is managing with this change. She didn’t sugar coat her answer. We talked about the hard slog of learning about yourself and getting clear about what you value and finding words and ways to express it with clarity.
Self-Discovery
In the conversation with my on-line friend, we landed on commitment as the secret ingredient to building meaningful connections over time. It struck me that while we touched on vulnerability and empathy we seemed to spend the majority of our focus on clarity. Clarity requires the individual in the relationship to #dothework to know them self, their values, and beliefs and wants and needs. It also requires that you are constantly learning to translate this self-awareness into clear messages. The importance of finding a means to articulate it to the other AND the skills necessary to hear their message, not as judgment, but for understanding.
To gain the clarity within yourself you need to start with self-discovery. Without developing and communicating out of personal clarity you can build many weak connections that feel great. They’re like sugar, they give you a boost of energy but don’t get you very far.
Perspective
When you open yourself up, one of the gifts you may discover is perspective. Living with perspective isn’t easy. It forces you to examine your own patterns and habits. You start to view your own choices and decisions through a new lens and it can be difficult. (This is when we have to work on the skill of self-compassion.) When learning to embrace broader and more diverse perspectives in yourself, you’re clearly going to see the world, your life, your choices and your opportunities through a fresh set of eyes. The world becomes more overwhelmingly large AND full of more opportunities. Both daunting AND thrilling!
Of course this takes me once more to my anchoring theme: the quote from Max Plank, theoretical physicist and father of Quantum Physics who said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Empathy
Squaring the Deal
Recently I heard Doris Kearns Goodwin, the Presidential historian, speak eloquently about a program Teddy Roosevelt enlisted and referred to as “squaring the deal”. As I recall from studying US history the humour was in that while he called it a square because it was about restoring balance, it contained three planks. It was a program to right a few wrongs and an attempt to “even the playing field”. I suspect if I took the time to research the history I’d see the motivation and the unintended consequences of his policy decisions through a more nuanced view. I’ve never suffered from the disease of putting current leaders, let a lone historic leaders, on pedestals of any sort so that’s not my intention here either. Suffice to say, the concept of righting historic wrongs appeals to our human feelings of empathy.
Unfortunately we have more empathy when we can see ourselves and our own pain or humanness in another. That becomes more difficult when you don’t live or work in diverse environments. It’s easy to scapegoat and reduce the humanity of groups you don’t relate to. For you to build real connections, lasting connections you need to find the humanity in others so you can see yourself in them and them in you. It’s worth the effort if connecting is your goal. This is meaningful for your community, your workplace and even your family to be healthy.
Your Brain
Connecting – like the neurons in a giant brain
The most amazing thing about connecting is realizing that it’s the main biological function of your brain. Your desperation to connect with others may make it feel like a bug in your software. It’s, in fact, the most important feature of your survival. YOU would likely not be here on this planet if humans before you hadn’t figured out how to navigate the skill of connecting. AND everything that keeps you alive from breathing to moving to thinking to feeling to EVERYTHING is because of the neuro-connectors constantly finding each other in your brain.
Empathy is one way we experience and describe these connections to others. They move you and often determine your decisions and actions. It’s such a significant element of our human brains that I devote a segment in each of the three workshops in my system to explore the related elements in your brain. In other words, the brain is not a vehicle or the mechanic in understanding yourself and becoming self-aware, it’s the fuel that makes it operate.
As Daniel Siegel says, your “mind is using your brain to create itself”. How does it do that? By firing together to survive together and ultimately wire together. In other words, by connecting.
CONNECTING – Empathy makes Presence Powerful
“Look at me when I’m talking to you.” It’s a powerful and desperate request to be seen. This moment with Flake in the elevator, along with the moment when Dr. Blasey Ford shared how she caught eyes with Brett’s young friend while Brett was on top of her AND she thought the young many might save her, were the most emotional and powerful personal points for me.
Real Time with Bill Maher Revealing A Disconnecting
Last Friday, preparing to transition into this week’s theme, Rebecca Traister and Eddie Glaude Jr were guests on Real Time. Rebecca attempted immediately to point to the heart of the issue: the disconnecting of people. Maher asked to “stay on topic”, which was odd but Glaude brought it back – clearly he gets it! Connecting with people is emotion-based and when the emotion that is constantly stirred is anger, it’s highly manipulative. The emotion of anger is not the problem, its the way its being used and stoked. AND when, as the point was made, the powerful play-act vulnerability THAT’S not connecting in either the deeply embedded or touch-stone form. It is disingenuous at best and extremely dangerous. It’s another form of lowering your eyes and refusing to see another because protecting your own interests is your only concern.
When those in positions of power turn the emotions of others around to paint a picture of their victim-status it is the very thing that disconnects people and drives you into your most basic tribal nature. It’s the very opposite of what is required for connecting.
There’s no need to explore this further for the Blog Post except to say I intend to dig into vulnerability and authenticity more deeply and at that time I’ll explore how it’s used to manipulate. This form, of stoking anger and dividing people, is one of the most despicable methods employed.
The Kavanagh Event
I spoke about the impact this had on me in the podcast episode AND I don’t intend to delve too deeply into it here either. It has had a profound affect on me and I’m not sure I’m prepared to put it into words just yet but a bit more on the elements noted above.
How were you impacted when you saw and heard the video of the women in the elevator with Senator Flake? Did you see how he averted his eyes even as they begged him and then demanded that he not dismiss them in that manner. DISMISSIVE is exactly THE MESSAGE sent when averting your eyes when someone is sharing something of meaning to them. Consider THAT when you are engaging, even in the fairly mundane of the day. Connecting with people is a gift but it is also a skill. Learn to look people in the eye and hold their gaze particularly when they are talking with you AND perhaps ESPECIALLY when what they are saying is affecting you.
These women in the elevator were teachers and the question is was the student (Senator Flake) ready to learn? Perhaps but it appears he didn’t have the courage to act on the lesson. Are you able to see the teachers when they present themselves in your life? You’ve heard the old adage: when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Why not get ready?
How We Can Walk together…
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