Deference: Railing Against the Boss?

Who’s the Boss of You? 

Regardless of who’s the boss in your life, deference to that boss may limit you. It’s not simply about being a rebel but rather, living the life you choose and that you really want.

In this week’s podcast episode (dropped on Monday March 11th), I make the point about how the boss may be internal or external. Essentially, my point is that you choose your boss by where you are deferential. This week’s newsletter, dropped Wednesday the 13th, makes the point that we are all socialized to behave with the least resistance. Additionally, I share a story of how this behaviour can limit business and career judgment. In the videos (posted on Instagram – I think 🙂 – and LinkedIn on March 13th) I share a story of a colleague who, by being overly deferential, reduced her own credibility. This wrap-up blog post explores what deference looks like, explores a new angle in a story, the internal and external face of deference and one approach to rethinking deference.

What Does Deference Look Like?

Below we explore the internal and external face of deference more closely, which paints a more complete picture. Deference, in its best form, is about showing respect for others. It’s also illustrated by humble submission. In its most unhealthy form it is blind submission. Because it can swing from respect, even the mutual kind, to submission, deference can be very destructive to relationships, eroding collaboration, personal confidence, presence and resilience. Being mindful and thoughtful about how you’re being deferential is critical to enjoying a productive, progressive and fruitful career.

Deference, or submission, to anything is a bit like giving up a part of you for another. It may look like service or it may simply be subservience. Perhaps that depends on the motivation for extending deference and the purpose it serves. By taking a close look at when and to whom you show deference, you may begin to see the value, if any, that it brings.

A Story of Deference

The stories I share on the video and newsletter. focus on the impact of misplaced or hyper deference in one’s career or business decisions. Now for an internal deference story…

You have an internal voice – an Inner Critic (IC). One day, a client, we’ll call her Dee, asked to debrief a situation that left her feeling angry; at one point, describing the feeling as shame. Dee had recently accepted a nice promotion with a significantly expanded scope and independence. She’d worked hard for this promotion and she didn’t want to mess-up like her predecessor had. An engineer who reported to one of Dee’s subordinates, approached her about a glitch in the software patch her department had sourced and planned to install for one of the business units in their global company. She understood the urgency immediately and was grateful this engineer hadn’t felt limited by conventional reporting protocol but came directly to her with the problem. So far, so good!

Dee logically knew she was capable technically and possessed the communication skills to engage key stakeholders appropriately. However, this was when her IC spoke-up, warning her of the risk associated with sounding the alarm given she was new to the department she now operated. She handed the responsibility over to the engineer’s manager to gather and report the findings and the need for caution. With a bit of perspective, expanded reflection and our joint inquiry, she realized it was her IC that convinced her she wasn’t ready to handle this crisis. Dee’s deference to the fear and judgment of her IC limited her capacity to perform her role, reducing her confidence. Upon realizing how and what had happened, Dee learned to recognize similar situations in the future, allowing her to withhold undue deference to her IC.

The Internal Face of Deference

When deference comes from within, is it self-care? A client once told me he’s deferential to his Inner-Critic because he believes it’s trying to protect him. Protect him from making embarrassing mistakes or failing. One day, while exploring a failed project, we recognized his Inner-Critic in his language and self-judgment. After reflecting on the realization, he exclaimed, “I see it now. My Inner-Critic sounds like my grade six teacher who would tell me I needed to think before I ask questions or insert myself.” Ultimately, he realized how painful that moment, at the age of 12, had been. He’d felt diminished and reprimanded for his energy and interest in a subject. While unable to recall the focus of his enthusiasm, he clearly remembers the feeling he had when “put in his place.” He realized this one childhood moment deeply informed his Inner-Critic’s mandate, making him overly cautious.

Deference built on fear or self-doubt or even old limiting beliefs is far from healthy. The internal face of deference may be the most debilitating form of deference. Challenge your Inner-Critic and the stories you tell yourself. There may be truth in them, but they don’t define you. This is a common element of my work with clients. Some only start recognizing their IC after a few months of working together, but everyone ultimately recognizes its impact. I created an interactive exercise recently so try it out and let me know if and how it works for you.

The External Face of Deference

While deference to your Inner-Critic may be tougher to spot, it isn’t any easier to shake than the external form. If you are a “Pleaser”, spotting your acts of deference will be obvious and very possibly your Inner-Critic is applauding your efforts. The “Pleaser” will benefit from setting healthy boundaries. If you are the “brown-noser” who is seeking advantage by showing deference, your motivation may be different but the outcome is the same as for the “Pleaser”. In both cases, you’re living for the approval of others. Neither is very satisfying, in the long run.

In kindergarten the curriculum calls for teaching and reinforcing self-regulation skills. Why is that? In part, to prepare students to self-manage in a learning environment. Very likely it serves to make the life of the teacher easier. Most definitely it supports society to develop some level of compliance. All of these reasons have both good and not so good connotations. To learn, a child needs the capacity to pay attention. It’s a great life skill. At the same time, it’s important to remember how this same skill, when over-used, limits the child’s creativity and builds patterns of deference for authority. What if the penalty is a lack of independence of thought and ability to challenge the status quo even when it’s essential?

One Approach to Rethinking “Who’s Your Boss”

Not three, not even 2 approaches today. I decided to focus in on one way you can start rethinking who you are inviting to be your boss. The best boss is a deeply held value. That said, you need to figure out how to identify and assess your values. I’m always listening closely to my clients in hopes of hearing a value shine through. Every once in a while I’ll notice something and inquire with my client and often they’re surprised to realize a core value. Last week we explored the foundation of self-regulation, precepts. Identifying meaningful precepts is, essentially, discovering your values. While, as a coach, I use a variety of different techniques and models to support you in unearthing your core values, here is a simple, perhaps time-consuming, way to begin the search on your own.

An Hour of Brainstorming

Make a list of 100 values you believe are important to you. Don’t over think it, just write them out. I did this exercise for myself early on during my 18 month coach certification process. Randomly pulling from my list of 100, I included: creativity, making an impact, fun, balance, love and freedom. Not all of these made my final top 10 but the point is not to editorialize at this stage of the process. You may find it helpful to ask yourself what you enjoy most. When I incorporated that question, I added more values, including: travelling, learning and volunteering.

Ranking Your List.

This step is simple but describing it may not be! Start with the first one and test it against the rest. Let’s say the first one on your list is “love” and the second “fun”, do you value love more than fun? When the answer is yes, love stays ahead of fun. If the third on your list is “respect” test “love” against it. As you test love through your entire list you may discover another value that is more dear to you further along so it would then move up above “love”. Once you’ve tested the first on your list move to the second and so on and so on. Eventually you will clearly have a list 1-10.

Over time, observe whether these 10 values are clearly reflected in your choices and decision. That’s the true test of what you really value.

 

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