Patterns form in time, often without you even noticing. A self aware & competent person recognizes when it’s time to take stock and consciously get a grip. Knowing when to stay the course or flip the script requires deep self-awareness.
This week’s theme is patterns. It’s been a week of some interesting insights. In the podcast episode, dropped Monday, I may sound angry. I started with a recollection that caused me some pain but also offered fresh awareness. As the week’s gone on, as you can see in my newsletter and the Wednesday Quick Story told on Instagram and LinkedIn, my mindset shifted – perhaps, I flipped my script. Each week my theme culminates in this post. With that in mind, below I reflect on how patterns become clutter in our minds and lives while potentially becoming inspiration for change when we’re willing to act consciously on the anger that may be generated.
Patterns Are Sneaky
Patterns are sneaky. In fact as I’ve reflected on my own this week, I realize how pernicious they can be in this sneakiness. While frequently benign, patterns, when pressing against or obstructing more vital insights or perspectives, can be extremely harmful. Just as while a benign tumor is preferable over one that’s malignant, location matters A LOT. When a benign tumor is pressing against a vital organ it can be deadly. Patterns, in the same way, when nudging us to less than our best behaviour, can dramatically take hold of our choices and obstruct our view of what’s hurting us and what’s possible. As such, at best, they stunt our growth and, at worst, they steer us to unhealthy choices.
A Story of Clutter
Reflecting on the pernicious aspect of patterns while in the middle of my annual spring clean, offered an interesting insight. Every year I love developing a process to clean and purge my home and life. It feels refreshing in a few key ways. The structured and gradual approach I take offers a ritualistic and cleansing feeling. The release, as I purge myself of unneeded and unwanted elements in my life, is rewarding. This same process, to re-examine patterns, is equally healthy. By consciously examining them and scrubbing them the reason the pattern became embedded is revealed and I discover the potential for a healthier approach. Moreover, patterns are a cluttering of the mind, clouding perspective.
I’m thinking about a director who reported to me years ago. Upon accepting the executive position, I sought to get better acquainted with my direct-reports. I visited her office only to discover, while her deputy director had recently quit, she’d decided to let her clutter spill over into the second, adjoining office. Within months of working together I recognized how debilitating this clutter was. In fact, I’ve never worked with anyone who suffered with this degree of hoarding.
Not wanting to give up on people, I tried various approaches to inspire a change. At one point I learned she really wanted to move into the office next to mine, which was vacant. I saw a chance to offer the office under the condition her assistant set-up and maintain a system of order. That lasted a month and it was back to the extreme clutter, fortunately limited to one office this time. I learned fresh patterns can’t be demanded or even reinforced from external forces, they’re developed from within. Moreover, I observed closely the significant impact when failing to put patterns of behaviour in check.
Anger as Antidote for Pernicious Patterns
In the podcast episode I express concern about patterns that develop systemically and become crutches used to excuse bad behaviour. I acknowledge the opening example of this may immediately feel extreme and that I may have sounded angry in the telling. That got me thinking about how anger may be the antidote. I remember in my early 30’s, when reading Harriet Goldhar Lerner’s books and hearing Gloria Steinem speak at a Montreal Massacre 5 year memorial event, having an epiphany about anger. Later, meeting Christiane Northrup and Mona Lisa Schulz at an event on Cape Cod, my thinking on the cleansing power of anger was affirmed and expanded. The anger expressed in the podcast episode comes out of a feeling of injustice or unfairness. How can men think that women should be patient with them figuring out how to be respectful of our choices and our bodies.
Chairing the Rotman RoundTables was an opportunity to explore my experience with men, patriarchy and misogyny while practicing my listening skills in dialogue. It was an interesting journey as the only woman in a discussion of gender. The men openly shared their perspective, for which I expressed deep appreciation before challenging them. I realized, after a few months, their blank stares in response to my appreciation, came from bewilderment; they’d never felt the social pressure to temper their views. Their candour came naturally. As a woman, being candid was an act of courage. I felt anger many times during these 2-hour conversations. My life-experience has taught me to find value in my anger. I didn’t lash out at the men. Instead I locked away the insights. Anger, as antidote, is fully felt but doesn’t require you to ACT-OUT. It does inspire you to ACT though. It’s the one emotion that does.
Walk With Me…
In April 2018 I brushed up against a call for meaning; an insight of sorts. It ultimately moved and inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m walking with 30 to 35 year old’s, who are in a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether you’re HERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with you! Are YOU ready to do some self exploring & find the real meaning of your life? The research suggests you’ll embrace your inner REBEL in your 20’s and that most of you slip quietly into ACCOMMODATOR in your 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was clear. Moreover, I intend to bring out your inner rebel so you can make the difference you really want to make in the world.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my purpose. In fact, remembering the moment of insight supports my efforts when this transition is difficult. It adds meaning to the work I’m currently doing. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
Once you have the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, you’ll begin to see the impact in your career and you’ll find what matters most to you. Join me…
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WALK WITH ME…
- REGISTER for an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO 50 minute engagements on ZOOM – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Walk with Me!
Of course I’d love to work with you, your team or organization so…
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving relationships, and increasing performance are popular.