Do sticky habits need our attention? It’s tricky. By noticing why they are sticky, we may be better able to release them. Still, by giving them too much oxygen they strengthen their grip. This may be a clue to picking the sticky habits that require our attention.
In the recording of this week’s podcast episode dropped Monday, I have an interesting insight that extends my processing throughout the week. It was because of this insight I shifted the planned image to shift to the realization that it is through thoughtful examined habitual patterns that we move toward excellence.
For the newsletter I walk through a journey of growth I experience related to being pedantic. I finish with a minor but instructional observation from just last week in an exchange with a friend who extended the same behaviour toward a “mistake” I made. I found myself extending compassion to the other person which blocked any need to take offense.
In the Wednesday video post on Instagram (abbreviated version)and LinkedIn (LinkedIn was partially down on Wednesday so it finally uploaded the full video on Friday), I share an insight about how recognizing and working on a sticky habit within myself I could have more compassion when that same trait was turned on me.
Finally, in this post I explore how I distinguish a sticky habit from others, how confronting these habits may add to Aristotle’s connection to excellence and grow our empathy and compassion for those we meet on the journey.
What Distinguishes a Sticky Habit?
A sticky habit is not just any old bad habit. We all have many benign bad habits. Loving that second glass of red wine may not be a sticky or even a destructive bad habit. Each of us may classify our habits appropriately with careful thought. Frankly, it may be a great self awareness exercise to try periodically.
A habit may become sticky because at one point it served us, or at least appeared to. In early posts this week I shared an old habit that served me well at one point. I was critical of myself and others. I would describe myself as discerning. It was a great skill and trait while studying in post-secondary and graduate school. My ability to process large amounts of data and thoughtful articulate my perspective or arguments. I was an exceptional debater which translated wonderfully to defending a budget or presenting a solid business case.
I started to notice something in my approach to relationships in the workplace wasn’t effective any longer about 16 years ago. Initially I was ready to put up my dukes and push back. If you listen to my Big Why story (find the audio recording of that story below) you’ll hear how that was a habit as well. I resisted seeing it as an old habit that had become a pattern and needed a reboot.
It’s these types of habits that are sticky. Sticky because they’ve proven useful and we have evidence. These sticky habits are also instructional so once I could see it for what it was I was free to learn from it and be better.
Confronting Sticky Habits Cultivates Excellence
Habits that limit us today may have initially formed to serve us. Moreover, a new layer in self-awareness is available by accepting this possibility. Excellence through growth is a work of art. That’s why I appreciate the Aristotle quote. Excellence in life and in work is won through ongoing learning and an openness to receive fresh insights. I’ve come to better understand the importance of the habituation element in his quote. In the last 29 years, exploring neuroscience research into performance, we’ve learned the limitations on human willpower. Furthermore, this human bug requires that we turn behaviours into habits for them to be automatically replicable. When behaviours are automated we open our capacity for conscious reflection and observing the impact. Of course we often neglect to use this bonus effectively.
Once habits are formed, we have the option of using this increased capacity to observe them to consciously cull them. We can separate the wheat from the chaff much like a farmer culls the rotting produce from the fresh. When an unhealthy and very sticky habit is not removed from the newly formed skills, we may grow complacent and stuck in old behaviours and grow the blind spots that sustain them.
On the other hand, once we see the need to cut a sticky habit from our repertoire our scope expands. The blinders slowly recede and clarity begins to emerge. This is the beginning, the opening, to excellence.
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With Attention on Sticky Habits Compassion Grows
A willingness to confront the sticky habits that hold us small requires courage. The world can be a cruel place for those who are willing to change and grow. Just the same, what kind of life and society and world will we have if we all resist the need to evolve and grow and allow others to do the same.
As I share in the newsletter story, when seeing my old sticky habit directed at me by another, I felt compassion. A part of me believed it wasn’t intended to limit my value. Additionally, if that was the intent and I chose not to believe it, what harm could be done. The power the other person had to hurt or diminish me didn’t exist if I didn’t allow it. Ultimately my compassion was the healthier reaction. Realizing that the need to correct me originated from this friends insecurity or need to assert them self allowed me to smile and move on without hard feelings. Frankly, that was as much self compassion as it was compassion extended to the other.
A final word before the credits…
We all have work to do. As long as we are a live. AND, we need to find the best route for us. I recommend that those who have the courage to dig deeply into self awareness and aren’t ready for a coach, yet, check out this newsletter post from a few weeks ago and reflect on the series of questions I offer.
When ready for more register for my Ask Rox RoundTables on Zoom or consider participating in a conference I’m co-chairing in Toronto in November called the #FeMasCon – ference. We are digging into identity, culture and performance with a healthy twist.
Sticky Habits – examined in the BYI System
As part of the BYI (Bank Your Impact) System, we mine for sticky habits in our limiting beliefs and patterns. Some clients aren’t ready to dissect them fully and that’s okay. A former client recently reached to contract me for three months to focus primarily on one that he has since recognized as a barrier to the future he really wants. Moreover, it seems, our first quarter together opened him to see it and six months later he is ready to purge it from his life.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, you can…
- Book me to speakat your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!8