Fear: in a handful of dust speaks to our need to find purpose.
How we choose to be and carry our self through life matters. In fact, being self aware, comfortable in our own skin, allows our best self to flow out in service to others, making a lasting impact. The dust we leave in the wind, once our time on earth is done, matters.
The Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped Monday, introduces this week’s theme by juxtaposing my mother’s 90th birthday with my passion for working with those in their 30’s and 40’s to find and walk in their passion and purpose. My mother was reminded by a few well wishers of just the impact she had made by being her flawed self.
For the newsletter I explore the struggle one of my clients has experienced in accepting that her passion and purpose is enough. Or, as she is discovering, her struggle is with whether she is enough to deliver the results.
Is this sense of not being enough really new? In my video posts this week I wonder about whether the Millennial generation is just hitting this proverbial wall a bit earlier that those before them. In this week’s Instagram and LinkedIn I share how a professor friend who would not be in his 90’s confessed to me that he wasn’t sure his life mattered.
Finally, in this post, I examine how fear can motivate us to take action and then, when we are both self-aware and open to learning, it can instruct us.
Fear: in a handful of dust motivates us
We are often told that fear paralyzes us or causes us to act inappropriately. There is truth in that. Fear and anxiety put us in threat mode which clouds our judgement. Furthermore, fear increases a sense of urgency when often slowing down would be the preferable response.
Just the same, the need to make a difference motivates us to action. When we are able to see the need to act and responsibly pull back from the fear itself we may be able to harness the energy of that fear factor to our benefit.
A story…
A client, we’ll call Bill, contracted me a couple of years ago to discuss his fear that the business he had sacrificed to build was the reason his life was falling apart. He proclaimed himself to be obsessed with the success and therefore every detail of the operation of his business. This obsession caused him to travel frequently, to entertain clients regularly and therefore miss many family engagements.
For the first six months of our engagement his focus was performance. How to improve and drive the metrics that would move his business to the next level. In our conversations, I required him to dig a bit deeper into his values. While “scuba diving” within himself, he discovered how he was using his business as a shield. He used the excitement and energy of work to justify not fully engaging with his family.
The moment he realized the anxiety filled fear he was experiencing wasn’t missing out on the next big deal but being a disappointment to his spouse and children new insights immediately started to form. He’d been motivated to action by fear but mistook the source of the fear. Naming it, starting to see through it, opened up possibilities.
Fear: in a handful of dust instructs us
Once we are willing to dig under the fear to find its actual source it has the power to inform us. Most people avoid the next steps. It is far easier to focus on what we wanted the fear to produce. Unfortunately it is usually pointing to something much more difficult or painful to face.
My clients usually find the source and the solution deeply embedded within their values. It can be painful to lift up the comfortable boulders that represent the values we espouse and examine the roots beneath. It is then we start to see the absence of meaning.
Shame is often generated when we see the emptiness or the shallow aspects that frame our fear. This is either pushes us to change or to a cover-up. Regardless the lessons are clearly available to those willing to continue down the road to discovery. It is as the old saying suggest, the road less traveled. Taking this road will make all the difference. The road to discovery is more taxing. The road to denial, while easier, is simply exacerbate the feelings of fear.
The story continue…
Bill could see what needed to change his focus. That didn’t mean he was willing to adjust. In fact he resisted every plan we co-created for another few months. He was making more money at work and feeling like this made up for a lot. He was afraid to lose this new edge.
The coolest part of new insights is that you can’t stuff them back into the bottle from which they sprung. Bill started dreading the business. He started noticing the disappointment on his son’s face when he missed a hockey game. This felt new. It didn’t feel good either. Initially Bill was angry. He even blamed me for a couple of months. The insights had brought deeper values to the surface and he didn’t like how that was changing his priorities.
Two years after we contracted Bill and I continue to work together. His business doubled in profitability this year and he works 75% of the time he previously did. For 2020 he has a plan to reduced his travel by half and his work time by another third. He is volunteering with his daughter’s math club and committing to regular date nights with his partner. He just asked me to recommend a non-profit board he might consider.
A final word before the credits…
I enjoyed great role models in my parents who were very busy all the time but engaged in a variety of interests that never seemed to negatively limit their investment in us. In fact I was delighted when they we busy with their own interests. Knowing our self and being able to access our full self, contributing in our families and in the community is very healthy. When our life is the full package, the dust we leave behind we our days on earth are done, adds richness to what comes after.
Have you heard about the #FeMasCon? It’s a conference examining performance and excellence with a healthy twist! We are exploring how, by accessing the full continuum of human attributes, boxed as the feminine and masculine, we can all live a more productive, constructive and satisfying life. Join us in Toronto on November 10th. As a reader, feel free to reach out to me directly for a discount code. There are 2 days left. I hope to see you on Sunday. Go to https://www.femascon.com/ to learn more and buy a ticket.
Fear: in a handful of dust – the reason for the BYI System
Finding meaning early in life and career was the driving force behind starting the BYI system. Being deeply self-aware improves the quality of life and the outcomes we produce. To get what we truly want in life we need to be willing to look at our values and ask the hard questions just as Bill was willing to in the above story.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
In closing, I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, so:
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!8