In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped Monday, I introduce three basic questions I’m thinking about. How does attitude or tone form? How do we react when a modulation in tone is required? What to do when modulation means giving up a part of who you are?
For the newsletter, I share how I chose silence rather than reveal more than I wanted through my tone,
In the weekly Instagram and LinkedIn video I speak to the significance of becoming more aware of the tone we are injecting at any given time.
Finally in this post I examine our choices of what to amplify, reflecting on how to choose what we will amplify and then how to amplify it.
“People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” – John C. Maxwell
Tone Reflects and Reveals Attitude
I speak in a declarative tone. This denotes confidence and surety. I didn’t always realize the impact it had. I didn’t even know that I did this. When we want to project who we are out into the world we need clarity on what we are reflecting about our self. It reveals far more than we realize, most of the time.
Knowing who we are is an important place to start. Until we know who we are and who we are seeking to become, it is difficult to make choices on our tone. Once we are working on this, it’s incumbent on us to consider the attitude we are currently reflecting and whether it fits who we are wanting to become.
Another level to consider is the motivation or source of our attitude or tone. It is in knowing this that we have a benchmark from which to gauge whether it is connecting.
Tone as Choice
Who do we want to be? Who are we working to become? These are important questions to explore.
Most of us fall into the trap of thinking it is simply about discovering who we are. Finding our identity. In fact we all make choices. We become who we want to be or who we chose to be, we don’t simply find our self. I recall the first time someone told me this perspective isn’t authentic. What does authentic mean then? Why would I settle for the person I am based on the influence of people or circumstances early in my life. People in my proximity and general life experience shapes me. What makes it the only influences allowed to impact who I am? Ultimately, is that what I want to be reduced to? Why can’t I choose. Why can’t that be authentically me?!
Tone as Teacher
When I first realized I spoke with a very clear declarative tone, I explored what that meant in reality. It was instructional and wonderfully revealing. I learned about myself. I realized the impact I was having. It was far more informative as I explored it than I initially realized.
Over time, I realized this learned approach came from a part of me that was impatient with niceties. Listening to people skate around the most difficult conversations was infuriating to me as a young person. I heard it as weakness or sometimes as placation or even obfuscation. I feel that being placated is the clearest sign of disrespect. Ultimately, this dislike of diplomacy shaped the way I learned to use tone. In other words, my interpretation of the “friendly” tone of others annoyed me and shifted my choice on who I wanted to be.
Tone teaches us about other people and more importantly it can teach us about our self. I have told the story in the past about how I realized my love language was to offer my opinion when issues, about which I had studied, came to the conversation. In these instances I found myself using a pedantic, apparently dismissive tone. I was simply trying to help. One of my sisters gave me a look one day when I was displaying this to our grown niece over a shared FaceTime conversation. Initially I didn’t hear my tone but the “look” got my attention and as I processed what was happening in the moment I realized how I sounded. A lesson that has kept on giving!
Tone Defines and Describes
Our tone may come to define who we are. This may come to life in the experience of others. We may adopt a certain tone like a shield or a badge of honour too. Regardless, the definition and its stickiness is a choice. Moreover, it is malleable as long as we remain open and curious, willing to shift to meet the needs of a moment or situation.
About thirteen years ago my young nephew reflected my tone back to me in an interesting exchange. After hearing me banter with his father at dinner, he suddenly looked up at me with a curious and insightful expression. He asked me, “Roxanne, how come you know everything?” It wasn’t an attempt to be cheeky as he might be today. He was deeply reflecting back my tone of surety. My sister jumped in and helped when I was stunned into silence after his innocent question. She said, “Your aunt speaks in a declarative tone so it sounds like she is certain. She just sounds like she thinks she knows everything. You’ll find as you grow up that she is just as happy to have you push back and try to change her mind.” Of course he has done exactly that plenty of times since.
This exchange actually clarified something about me to me. It was powerful. Seeing my style through the eyes of babes was very useful. It may have helped that this was a child I knew loved me and who I adored. It wasn’t the tone I intended to use when it wasn’t appropriate. Recognizing it more clearly, I had the option to turn the page rather than letting it define me or describe who I am.
Play with Tone
When I was open to seeing the moments when I shifted into pedantic, directive or declarative with a lecturing tone, I gained insights into who I was being. These insights help me shift my behaviour to be who I wanted to be moment to moment.
First I had to do some internal work to discover where that tone or attitude was coming from. I realized it was learned behaviour. Sometimes it was a way of protecting my self and sometimes it was a reflection of the way I expressed love and affection.
Secondly, I noticed how it felt when clearly my tone was being rejected or even judged. When I was able to see the reaction, I had the choice to adjust in the moment, modulating my tone.
Third, I realized in time and with the maturity of experience that I may be defined by my choices but who I am in every situation is still truly a choice. Who I choose to be is authentic when it is coming from a healthy, intentional and thoughtful attitude.
Life is one big Experiment
The underlying point, again this week, is about the power of approaching life as an experiment. Each day offers wondrous access to fresh insights and lessons. Being intentional is crucial when choosing our attitude as the foundation to generating the results we want. Furthermore, it is essential we become more aware of how the attitude or tone we are choosing to interject in every situation has an impact. Our tone reflects who we are and ultimately defines the trajectory of our relationships. Finally, what we choose to experiment with to move our purpose forward in 2020 matters.
Walk with me. Let’s go do what it takes to intentionally choose the tone and attitude we bring to every aspect of our life. Consciously and authentically choosing our tone is powerful. It can work for us or against us. It can support what we seek to create or it may destroy it.
Be part of the journey in 2020.
Start by subscribing to my mailing list . Subscribers receive:
- My interactive exercise to begin reducing the impacts of stress and feelings of overwhelm will be sent.
- My newsletter with the related podcast episode will be sent weekly.
- Special offers will be available to subscribers monthly including: a random offer of a complimentary one hour coaching conversation, access to roundtable engagements and group coaching on identity and related subjects, as well as information on an initiative on which I’m collaborating: #FeMasCon.
Tone is Attitude in Bank Your Impact (BYI)
Attitude is an element in the foundational equation framing the the BYI system. Moreover, becoming aware of who we are being that produces the results in our life is centrally built on attitude. Furthermore, creating the life we want starts with becoming aware of what we are currently projecting into the world so we are prepared to make different choices.
Furthermore, to get what we truly want in life, we need to be willing to persist, seek help, and continually look for transferable learning opportunities. Additionally, we need to be willing to question our choices and expand our options through healthy curiosity and a search for unique perspectives. Furthermore, identifying and nurturing our identity is the place to start.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Undoubtedly, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In all my blog posts in 2019, you will find this section outlines what brought me to this area of focus: supporting people in the early to middle part of their career as a #performance #coach.
You can read more about my work and my in the About Me section of the website and below is a recording of my #bigwhystory:
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below are TWO ways to start, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list. You’ll receive an interactive exercise that you may use to reduce and manage stress or feelings of overwhelm. PLUS each week you’ll receive my podcast and reflections in your inbox AND you’ll be invited to monthly webinars and roundtable conversations.
In closing, I love bringing learning experiences to workplaces that are interested in raising their performance and encouraging their people.
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits! In 2020 I’ve added a few workshops on gender engagement – how, by knocking off the boxes that limit us by gender we all find our capacity expands.