Duty is as duty loves. I’ve concluded, duty and love walk side by side; they are deeply connected. Love without duty is empty and duty with out love is pompous.

An authentic life is one wherein we demonstrate our values by standing firmly for those values regardless the cost.

Is love the death of duty or duty the death of love? – Lord Tyrion Lannister

The 2020 theme of identity continues with this week’s focused exploration. f our actions as they relate to each of our identities.

In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped September 28th, I reflect on the lesson I learned from a mentor who reminded me that when I espouse a belief or value to remember that it is in how I live that value that truly demonstrates whether I truly believe it or not.

For the newsletter, I share the a recent challenge to a belief I hold and I speak to the lesson I am learning that when love is behind our duty we are better able to deliver effectively on the duties.

Finally, in this post I dig further into the connection between love and duty as I challenge myself to ensure that duty is not an ego trip but grounded in a healthy desire to be true and loving.

Duty is as Duty Loves Defined

Being dutiful requires a lot of effort. A dutiful person remains committed even when challenged or unappreciated. When the object or subject of the duty commands or inspires deep love and admiration, duty embraces patience and understanding. Otherwise, duty often looks simply like the enforcement of rules.

Earlier I articulated that love without duty is empty and duty without love is pompous. I explore this more fully below. Moreover, though, when we fail to anchor duty in a lasting kind of love the effort required may eventually be too much to sustain a healthy response.

Duty as a Frame for Values

We celebrate and honour dutiful service. As I am about to publish (later than expected) we are coming up on Remembrance Day. It is day we honour a sacred sacrifice that most veterans will tell you, came as a results of both love and duty. Today I heard a story about how a grocer (Whole Foods) barred their employees from wearing poppies, which is the symbol of respect for service of veterans in Canada. Citizens and politicians are blasting Whole Foods for their insensitivity. It feels like Canadian values are being stepped on and people are angry.

I grew up in a pacifist tradition so remembrance day was an interesting experience for me. In grade 5 we were challenged to write a poem that would be considered for the school assembly on Remembrance Day. I loved the idea of writing the “winning” poem and reciting it for the whole school. How could I be dutiful to my belief structure and be part of celebrating something I thought was wrong. My poem was chosen at the end of the day because I found a way to frame a deep respect for veterans while honouring the foundation of a tradition of peace that I loved.

My poem about Duty

Writing the poem became a labour of love. While written in 1973, I can still recite it reasonably accurately today, almost 50 years later. At age ten I reflected in a story form,

A soldier donned his uniform

and cocked his khaki hat –

Adieu my mother, farewell Dad.

I’ll see you when I’m back.”

As I worked on it, strangely I found myself reflecting on the pain and fear of the soldiers who went to war. Grade five history covered a bit of WWII so I drew on those descriptions in the difficult fifth stanza,

Our soldier, weary of the strive

Reminds us to give heed.

Let’s strive together, work for peace

So many won’t get back.

Just minutes before writing this next paragraph I stopped to reflect. I was growing to love my soldier. In the midst of writing my poem I was opening my heart and seeing the rigid and judgmental perspective I had adopted. While I continue to strongly believe that duty without love is misguided, my hard walls were falling.

I was working on the last few stanzas at the dining room table one evening while my dad worked on the books for a charity on who’s board he served. The closing line wasn’t working. I read the stanza over and over and suddenly he finished it for me.

“God, help both them and us, we pray,

to find the way to peace.

To learn to live in harmony

and move ahead, not back.”

I learned that duty without love was brutal and could lead to perverse acts of aggression. War isn’t noble in and of itself. Only when love undergirds it, does it become an act of sacrifice and service.

Duty with Love Shifts

The act of writing my poem along with the warm response received after sharing made the difference. It shifted my vision on military service as a form of love through duty. Ultimately my dad completed the lesson home many years later. It was my parent’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. True to form, he made a speech in place of a pithy toast. He talked about how he had learned that it was commitment that kept a marriage strong and vital, not love. As a seventeen year old, I was horrified. What was my father saying? Commitment isn’t romantic! It made marriage sound like a transaction!

Over the years following, partly in conversation with him. but mostly through life experience, I understand the point he was making. Deep love, without commitment is empty. It is full of flowers and a few gestures but only if you are committed to working through the difficult parts of the journey does the love continue and expand. Marriage, relationships, are hard work. Only when love and duty blend, are we able to sustain both.

All of life requires that we mix love and duty. For careers and civic duty we must know on what we focus and why.

Life is one big Experiment

Life is one huge and ongoing iteration. when we are willing to learn and grow we realize that “when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” – Max Planck

Continuous learning and fresh insights are the goal of the experimental approach. What will the evidence teach us? Moreover, this approach is generative in addition to being iterative. With an experimental collaborative approach, we may find progress is faster and we go further. In collaboration we can crack this, but only together with a willingness to learn and honour the data and the stories will we arrive where we seek to go.

We may be capable of more closely monitoring and learning from our choices and decisions and build capacity to adjust our actions to meet the current situation. Then, we may influence how things unfold. There’s a difference between wanting something and making something happen. With the mindset necessary to perform under pressure we’re able to influence results more deeply. This mindset that relies on clarity, curiosity and a resilient spirit we accept no excuses, only meaningful results. Furthermore, it’s essential we learn to evaluate the risk of any action, removing the very human emotions that cloud our judgment.

Walk with me.

Together let’s examine options consciously and authentically to make choices that move us strategically toward where we want to be. Where may client wants to go is my paramount focus. Strategy is a about choices. Execution on these choices requires masterful performance. Furthermore, a well-developed process allows us to enjoy the journey far more fully

Be part of the journey in 2020.

Start by subscribing to my mailing list . Subscribers receive:

My interactive exercise to begin reducing the impacts of stress and feelings of overwhelm will be sent.
My newsletter with the related podcast episode will be sent weekly.
Special offers will be available to subscribers monthly including: a random offer of a complimentary one hour coaching conversation, access to roundtable engagements and group coaching on identity and related subjects, as well as information on an initiative on which I’m collaborating: #FeMasCon.

Doing Duty to Bank Your Impact (BYI)

It is not unusual for people to loose sight of what is important. Knowing our self helps us know where our duty rests. Choosing where to direct our attention, effort and impact is critical. Moreover, it’s our responsibility to focus on the skills, knowledge and capacities that move us to where we want to be. A career built on the skill of navigating and responding to opportunities as they arise is generative and progressive.

The BYI system helps participants build the strength to engage when challenges appear. It’s an approach focused on identifying options, making wise choices and committing to influencing desired outcomes. Furthermore, it takes a systematic and experiential approach to influence the outcomes we produce. Moreover, becoming aware of who we are being and how it produces the results in our life is a consequence of the choices we made and how we execute on those choices. Ultimately, creating the life we want starts with the actions we choose to take.

To get what we truly want in life, we need to be willing to persist, seek help, and continually look for transferable learning opportunities. Additionally, we need to be willing to question our choices and expand our options through healthy curiosity and a search for unique perspectives. Moreover, identifying and nurturing our identity is the place to start. A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Undoubtedly, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.

The System

The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.

The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021). My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.

Holding space to support my clients in:

Developing meaningful insights
Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights

An organic experience

The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.

Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be

In all my blog posts in 2019, you will find this section outlines what brought me to this area of focus: supporting people in the early to middle part of their career as a #performance #coach.

You can read more about my work and my in the About Me section of the website and below is a recording of my #bigwhystory:

Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?

If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.

Willing to do the work to find more meaning?

With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me… My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below are TWO ways to start, without spending a dime.

Walk with Me!

BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list. You’ll receive an interactive exercise that you may use to reduce and manage stress or feelings of overwhelm. PLUS each week you’ll receive my podcast and reflections in your inbox AND you’ll be invited to monthly webinars and roundtable conversations.

In closing, I love bringing learning experiences to workplaces that are interested in raising their performance and encouraging their people.

Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits! In 2020 I’ve added a few workshops on gender engagement – how, by knocking off the boxes that limit us by gender we all find our capacity expands.

Duty is as Duty Loves