Women are mysterious and our relationships with each other are equally so. Maybe it’s partly because it is more complex to be a woman in a man’s world. Maybe, in part, because we make up approximately 50% of every group or minority you can name making us the biggest and most diverse minority or marginalized group that has or will ever exist.

Today is International Women’s Day and I noted the theme this year is parity/equality. Given we are the largest minority and the vessel for the birth of every human being on the planet, why are women finding it so difficult to reach equality? I remember a book from 2001 called The 80% Minority which argues that while women in North America control 80% of the consumer dollars, there remains a huge gulf between how women want to be treated in the marketplace and how they are treated.

Growing up one of 4 sisters, I never thought of myself as part of a minority or marginalized group. Being a member of a sisterhood felt very special – in fact my dad, when teased by men in the 60’s for only fathering daughters, would retort, “I specialize”.

Let me be clear, I never thought of myself as a minority, after all, we out-numbered my dad 5:1 in our household. As a family, we were very active in our schools, church and community so while we supported each other, we knew early-on what it meant to be a girl or woman in a boy’s and man’s world. There was safety in the sisterhood. BUT it was clear we needed to follow our mother’s lead and teach people how to treat us. We also completely understood that each of us wanted and even needed different things. We rarely agreed except on our need to win respect and dignity for our unique contributions.

Each year on International women’s day I think about all the amazing women in my life or who have passed through my life. This year I found myself reflecting specifically on my amazing sisters. One’s a professional musician, another is a world traveler/educator, and the youngest is a social worker who supports at-risk kids….just look at how cute she is!

Nothing can make me feel better than a good talk with one of my sisters and no three people can drive me more crazy than my sisters. While I love them and would do anything to protect, support or defend them, they are clearly the most infuriating people I have ever met. They know my buttons and they are quick to remember my childhood indiscretions – you know like licking their face when they wouldn’t get off of me – as though they never did anything to me. They challenge my politics and my feminism and they support my relationships with their children to enrich my life. While I don’t entirely understand the relationships between sisters, I do know there is nothing like it.

Just as leaders in organizations establish the tone for the culture and relationships that develop, so does a mother set the tone for the relationship between sisters. My mother is a power-house when it comes to influence – you just have to meet her once to understand how much she impacted our sisterhood. When I told her this yesterday, she gave me a dismissive wave and with a loud harrumph, and promptly informed me this was far too heavy a burden to put on her. By the way,  this is not a complaint about or a criticism of my mother. To her credit, while she was guilty of dressing us all the same sometimes (when we were very young) and later color-coding our outfits (see picture in header), she was fully aware and supportive of our distinct and even vast differences.

A quick story, soon after my dad died, my mother wrote her attorney a letter as she considered how to rework her will wanting to honour her four unique daughters.  She had a very warm and engaging relationship with her attorney so the letter was very descriptive and personal. THEN, for some inexplicable reason, she decided to send a copy to all of us. That was when the drama started.

ONE BIG element that fueled the drama was in the middle part of the letter when she described each of her daughters in terms of what they had done with their lives. ONE BIG mistake – while she described my three sisters pretty much the way I did above, with more details of course, she described me as a successful administrator.

My mother “took heat” from all corners. My sisters, each in their own way (one aggressive, one passive aggressive, one dismissive) expressed their outrage about the fact that I was the only one described as successful. Of course that is not what my mother believed – my path had been so different and it fit her generation’s definition of “successful” so the bias showed up in the language without her intending it. She is, of course, proud of all her daughters and their accomplishments. While she would have liked all of us to be teachers like she was, I know she is delighted we all continued our education and forged our own paths boldly.

I have concluded that our greatest strength as women (generally) – our diversity – has been our greatest challenge in securing and maintaining equality. When we are compared and found “the same” or similar we are often diminished for it AND when we are compared and found different we often allow ourselves to be pitted against each other.

I recall about mid-way through my career (so about 15 years ago) when women who had worked at home raising children joined us in the paid work-place and felt judged for the choice they had made to stay home. I also noticed how women who had chosen not to have children OR who had continued to work outside the home after having children also felt judged for their choices.

I can’t help but wonder whether parity or equality will only be realized WHEN women are truly pro-choice in every way.

“If you are not free to be who you are – you are not free.”    

                                                                – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Choice is a fascinating prospect. You’ll remember my mother described me as a successful administrator. While my sisters were upset she used the word successful for me – I felt diminished to be called an administrator. The descriptions of what they did and accomplished seemed so much more meaningful. I was stuck in the comparison. My mother couldn’t win!

Maybe that’s part of why women from all backgrounds can’t seem to win the battle for equality.  When we start accepting, celebrating and honouring our vast differences rather than thinking your different choices or paths diminish mine, we may find we all benefit.

In 1990’s I lead women’s discussion groups and one book I often found myself referencing was Gloria Steinem’s “Revolution From Within”.  My copy of the book still opens automatically to page 345 because of a powerful comment she makes about how women and men bond differently. I have found myself talking with both men and women over the years about this only to realize how true a point she makes. “Men tend to….punish the weak…(just as women punish the strong one), and bond only around power (just as it’s easier for women to bond around pain).” While Ms Steinem’s comment was intended to demonstrate the importance of men developing different relationships with each other, I can’t help but wonder if only, when women start valuing our vast differences and bonding around the inner power that is available to each of us, and to us collectively, will we make greater progress on our quest for parity.

I am proud to be a sister to the three amazing & mysterious women I grew up beside – who I don’t always understand and often battle – and I enjoy the many and extremely unique women I continue to meet in my work and life. We are equal to any and all men AND it is time we see our self and each other as so.

Rox Bartel supports emerging leaders in the non-profit/NGO sector who want to master the difficult path of senior leadership to make a difference through their work and their people. Rox is a speaker, podcast host, leadership coach/ mentor and performance consultant. 

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