“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
If you are in a leadership position of any kind, OR you aspire to be, you know or need to know that you are measured, in part, by how people feeling when they are with you. Your direct reports, colleagues and even your boss won’t always tell you. The unfortunate fact of life is that most people complain behind our back OR keep their feelings locked up—which of course bottles up and bursts at some unexpected point. Usually spilling all over YOU.
The good news, however, is that you can influence how others experience you by how you conduct yourself in conversations, which is why I am spending so many episodes and energy on the topic of conversation. It is the life blood of leadership and every skill you develop that can help you will offer huge returns on your investment—don’t you love talking ROI? Well I am not selling you so you can calculate the ROI on your own time.
I am simply going to remind you just how may conversations you have in a day:
- Giving Direction or assigning work: Outlining the tasks and support you need from your EAA, senior team, and colleagues or partners is something you likely do every day. While you may do some of this via email you likely find yourself needing to back it up with a conversation.
- You are likely in many Meetings. The productivity of every meeting is driven by the conversational skills of every participant. Don’t take this lightly because it is the number one waster of energy and resources.
- Regular Check-in Conversations. Most leaders need to frequently check in with the team or individual members to support their efforts and ensure their department, business unit or organization is on the right track. These conversations are critical to performance.
- Performance Management. Depending on the size of your organization you likely have a performance management system that includes conversations like monthly, semi-annual or annual performance reviews, maybe a 360 assessment and follow-up conversations as well. If you are like most leaders you try to avoid these at all cost. AND yes there is a cost. I’m not saying our current systems are great. I AM saying that every one of your Direct Reports deserves a leader who cares enough to support their learning and development. It is one of the conversations that can be most rewarding for a leader and support all stake holders by driving growth and innovation and increase the focus on relationship building.
- Project Management. Depending on the size and structure of your organization you likely have project management meetings. You may not chair all these meetings personally AND YET, as a leader, your words and approach are critically influential. These meetings likely bring together people from a variety of positions in the organization who are not as familiar with your style but have already formed an opinion. This is a chance to be seen and known as a leader; how you respect and engage with others will impact your ability to influence. I suggest you don’t squander it by failing to consider the impact you will have.
- Casual, Watercooler, Lunchroom. Leaders are often, not always, viewed as stiff and unapproachable. There are those who make themselves uncomfortably approachable too. Your conversations are noticed and scrutinized more than you will ever believe possible. Be mindful of this and develop your skills so you can consciously and intentionally develop the culture you choose. IF you don’t you will one day find yourself puzzled by the culture you have developed and struggle to change it.
you influence how others experience you by how you conduct yourself in conversations
In this week’s podcast I veered away from my typical structure choosing not to tell a story but rather to model the use of Acknowledgments. I chose this as the first leadership skill for conversations because I think it can be part of every conversation you have as a leader.
When you use an acknowledgement skillfully as part of everyday conversations (yes even the water cooler ones), in time, you will find a huge shift in the quality of the conversation you have at more crucial moments. For example, in the podcast I give an example of an annual performance conversation. While opening any formal conversation by setting positive intent you will create a dynamic where the other person becomes open to what you have to say. As a leader, when you incorporate authentic genuine acknowledgements in conversations you establish trust. This trust allows you to approach even the toughest conversations with people from a place of mutual respect. You will shift the climate of any relationship, team or organization. Can you even image what you can create, the innovation you can embrace when this happens?
So what are the characteristics of a solid powerful acknowledgement? It can be a tricky business. You must be authentic, clear, specific, and it must be linked to an outcome for it to make an impact.
The most powerful acknowledgements put emphasis on an ability, quality or strength the other person demonstrates. The link to the impact comes when you express appreciation for how they applied the strength in action to create a particular end result.
In Episode #15 of the ImpactBank: the Kickass Koach podcast I offer examples of how to use acknowledgments in Performance Management discussions. Below I will walk you through how to use it in two other types of conversations you have as leader.
Let’s face it, Leaders don’t do the work, they inspire and direct others to get things done. I know a lot of leaders, especially newly promoted leaders struggle with even accepting this but EVERY effective leader understands why this is important. So it is critical then that a leader knows how to assign and direct tasks to others. In episode #3 of the ImpactBank: the Kickass Koach I share a story of cutting the grass with my Dad. I have used this story in leadership development to make the point that people need room to be able to find their own path to accomplishing tasks. That doesn’t absolve you from playing a part, it only means you will be most effective when you find the “sweet spot” or level of engagement in supporting and directing the efforts. When assigning a project, task or responsibility to a direct report it is important to set a positive intent. Why are you assigning this work? What makes you believe they are the right person for the task? Then offer to be a thinking partner as they consider their approach. Acknowledging the person for their past work, their abilities and strengths can be a great way to ensure they will leap into the new challenge with enthusiasm and be willing to come back to you if they need support. Your acknowledgment may sound something like, “Deanna, you have faced so many challenges with courage and determination lately. The quality of your analysis and your willingness to seek out different perspectives will serve you well with this new opportunity. Why don’t you take a few hours to look at the parameters outlined in this document and then let me know how I can support your thinking around how to tackle it.”
A Leaders day is filled with meetings and I would argue, without investing in the skills and methods required for a productive meeting, meetings are only productive about half the time, if you are fortunate. When you don’t walk into a meeting with a growth or positive mindset you are simply settling for less. Like conversations as a whole, well-orchestrated meetings offer a huge competitive advantage. (I feel a new series for the podcast coming up….) The ability to use acknowledgements in meetings is extremely helpful. If you are chairing a meeting it is your responsibility to bring out as many varied perspectives and ideas as possible. You do not want to walk out of that meeting with things unsaid by members of the team. The obstacles reside in the unsaid concerns or challenges AND the best opportunities are lost in the unspoken ideas. A well timed and delivered acknowledgment will open up the room and ensure every single attendee becomes a contributor during the meeting and later when action is needed. A solid acknowledgment at the start of a meeting can be something as simple as noticing, out loud, how members of the team acted on ideas and decisions from the last meeting. It could sound something like, “Before we…. I want to take a moment to share three contributions I observed since our last meeting. (Then you get specific & clear about it.) I want to acknowledge the actions by the two members of the marketing team. Clearly, by listening deeply to all the feedback from this entire room, you were able to apply your creative and visionary abilities to rework that campaign and deliver strong copy. To the Operations team, who have risen to the challenge of rolling out the campaign details in record time, by sheer hard work and attention to detail. AND to the IT team for remaining positive and steadfast in the face of what you knew was very close to impossible. We are all made better by each other’s efforts. These contributions inspire us as we roll up our sleeves and think through the next steps and face the coming obstacles and opportunities. So, let’s jump in and get it done again today and in the coming week.”
When you don’t walk into a meeting with a growth or positive mindset you are simply settling for less… well-orchestrated meetings offer a huge competitive advantage.
Okay it is easier when I am making it up from past experience but you get the idea. The first example demonstrates how to express your belief in someone with very specific and clear acknowledgment of their strengths and abilities. The second is an example of opening and setting the tone for the meeting by acknowledging members of the team with specific observable behaviours.
My focus this week is to demonstrate how to open a conversation and establish positive intent. AND as you practice acknowledgements you will find they become a natural part of all your conversations encouraging, supporting and ensuring candid, powerful and productive dialogue.
In a nutshell, the best acknowledgments:
- come out of real awareness about your people, what they value, their skills and how they contribute. This does require you to spend a lot of time observing them. It is important to be mindful of what you are looking for. Far too often the focus is on finding the mistakes; instead consider looking for what they are doing right and acknowledge it. This will ensure that when you need to help them with small adjustments to help them improve, they will be open to hearing them. You will see what you are looking for so why not look to see their strengths in action.
- are sincere, relevant to the conversation, and specifically linked to an ability quality or strength.
- are linked to an outcome, contribution or impact.
When you can make acknowledgments a part of your general engagement with your direct reports, colleagues or your boss, you will be delighted by how your conversations become richer and more powerful.
Next time: Moving along the recipe for a powerful conversation, we will explore the role of active listening. Effective leadership comes out of your own willingness to be silent and pay attention. There is much to notice and when you start to see it, you will be a very influential leader.