When I found myself in a leadership role early in my career–a bit too early I think–one thing I counted on was my ability to be direct in my communication. I didn’t learn until about 15 years later how ineffective my direct communication was in some situations. I had been complimented and affirmed for it early which lead me to the wrong conclusions. When I was in my mid 20’s it served me well because I needed to assert myself more boldly and when I spoke to leaders they respected and, I think, appreciated my direct approach. As I moved along in my career I learned I needed to temper the directness, not only by building and working on other communication skills but also by adjusting my approach in expressing directly.
This is why Direct Communication for me, while still a key leadership competency, now comes after Leadership Presence (part of preparation), acknowledging others, and compassionate listening. However, in my experience, if you don’t follow these with direct communication you are not a leader who ultimately commands respect or develops trust. Part of leadership is creating a safe place for those who are following. Those following need to know you listen and care about them and their efforts; they also need to trust you have the ship’s wheel solidly in hand. One of the best ways to convey that you have listened and your acknowledgments are authentic AND you can be trusted with the vision and future of the organization or community IS if you can then paint a clear picture of what is and what could be.
Direct communication is about reflecting back your vision and your desire for growth & change. Whether you lead a family, a team, a department, an organization or a government you need to be able to paint a picture that resonates so people WANT to follow you.
In this week’s ImpactBank: the Kickass Koach podcast, I share a story of when a leader took me aside and offered me the gift of direct communication. What I don’t spell out clearly in the podcast is how this leader constantly offered me new challenges and affirmed me for my efforts and excellence. She listened deeply to my input and advice and I trusted her as a result AND because I observed her doing this with the entire senior team.
Rox, what’s more important to you? To be right or to be effective?
While I can only paraphrase what she said to me that morning from my memory, it is worthwhile to lay it out here again before commenting. “Rox, what makes it so hard for you to have these types of conversations with my Directors? I would like them to feel like they can sit down with you just as I do and see what you are seeing. You must be aware that they resist taking action on the advice and they often resent the criticism you offer. I know you are being responsible and you care about doing an excellent job and clearly you have brought those same values out of your team BUT it isn’t translating. What do you think that is about?”
While there isn’t one way to bring the direct communication into the conversation, notice she did start with a question. A question that built on an acknowledgment she had already given me throughout the whole conversation leading up to this. She clearly and directly expressed what she wanted in the second statement which, by the way, also expressed positive intent. She valued her conversations with me so much she wanted me to figure out how to support her team with the same. Then she painted the picture of reality clearly. I got the picture and I knew she was right and it wasn’t pretty. Then without letting me off the hook she came back to express her belief in my intentions, hard work and commitment to the overall outcomes. I may not have been happy to hear the criticism but I definitely HEARD it and knew I could do better.
An when she topped it off with the question that has inspired and supported me for years since: “Rox, what’s more important to you, to be right or to be effective?”
In the podcast I chuckled about the being right part and I was reminded about how at that time the management team reporting to me had chosen the motto: “Getting it Right, Doing it Right.” I reflect in the podcast about how it may have been more powerful to use a motto like “Getting it Right and doing it effectively.” As I continued to reflect on it maybe an even better one could have been “Getting it Right, Being Effective.”
It is important to note that this leader gave me a great gift by being direct; this particular conversation offered me a new perspective on how to use my influence as a leader.
A couple of helpful things to consider:
- Focus on the process, issue or behaviour not the person. In the story I shared in today’s podcast I never felt it was a personal attack and so ultimately I was able to see the point and eventually figure out how to shift my behaviour.
- Hold the other person respectfully, maintaining their dignity and express confidence in them as a person.
- Always keep the organizational interests in mind by resisting pitting people against each other. In today’s story, the leader could have simply chosen to tell me what her team was saying about me. This could have created resentment and even poisoned the team.
- Lead By example. In today’s story I suspect you’ll agree, the leader modeled for me just how effective direct communication can be.
In professional coaching Direct Communication is one of our stated competencies and while as a coach I may apply it a bit differently than in the story I shared this week, you can see how it relates. In the ICF competency called Direct Communication there is a point made that reads “uses metaphor and analogy to help illustrate a point or paint a verbal picture .” As a leader, performance consultant and educator/facilitator I have always found metaphors and stories to be the most powerful form of direct communication.
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Next Week we’ll explore how to move the conversation or meeting to action.
Have kickass conversations this week—focus on how to be effective in your Direct Communication and figure out how to be more effective.
Share your experiences here for others to also learn what they may do to make a difference in their conversations. You can make your life and the lives of others better one conversation at a time.