While we were fearing it, it came –
But came with less of fear
Because the fearing it so long,
Had almost made it fair.
In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped Monday, I share a recent journey of navigating the unknowable and seeing signs of conquering it. It feels very personal to share and very vulnerable but I am learning the more I share vulnerability the more internal power if offers.
For the newsletter I make a nuanced shift to look at how a similar experience with fearing the unknown may shed light. Never the less, it is slightly different from the unknowable. Regardless, it’s informative to compare them.
Fearing the unknown is slightly different than fearing the unknowable. I tackle the unknown in a story on my weekly videos on Instagram and LinkedIn. My Mom, at 90 years of age, took a fall this week. Feelings of uncertainty contributed.
Finally, in this post, I focus more on describing what is unique about fearing the unknowable and then examine a few strategies I’ve learned or expanded recently.
Fearing the Unknowable Described
We all have experienced the paralysis of fear. There is something unique about dealing with the unknowable. A different level of acceptance and even resignation is required.
The unknown suggests there is opportunity to know more. Fear of the unknown is therefore, more manageable. My mother’s uncertainty with her surroundings impacted her cognitive ability. This happens on airplanes when people are in uncomfortable settings and not kept informed or in workplaces where chaos rules the day. Furthermore, when people feel they have no control and no information fear and anxiety eats away at their cognitive abilities. As in my 90-year-old mother’s case it made her less physically sound. Neuroscience has shown us this level of threat hits the amygdala. Furthermore, one of the best way to respond or to limit altogether is communicating parameters clearly.
The unknowable is a bit more difficult. Of course the captain flying a plane or a manager leading a project can’t give exact parameters but regular communication of progress and required adjustments keeps everyone involved informed and engaged. The unknowable is completely different. When am I going to die? Will this illness become chronically worse and eventually reduce my ability to function? Will this relationship survive the challenges and conflicts we are facing?
For the unknowable, more faith is needed. Moreover, a few additional skills are beneficial.
A story…
This week’s podcast reveals the heart of my recent experience with fear. Here, I’ve decided to retell with more context. On August 23rd, 2019 at 4:05 PM, I had a stroke. I’d just finished editing and publishing my Friday blog post before leaving to meet a friend for drinks. During the visit I pulled up the website for a conference I was collaborating on – #FeMasCon-2019. Before turning the phone screen over to seek input, I decided to read the headline on the home page.
I couldn’t read the first word. I could tell there were letters, I just couldn’t make-out the word on the screen. The word was “human”. Over the next few days I chose to keep my deficit to myself and I mostly laughed about the absurdity. I’ve been reading since I was 5. I was an early reader and I’m a voracious reader. This couldn’t last. I worked at it using phonetic techniques I learned as a child. Strangely I could write, I just couldn’t read what I had written within a few minutes of typing it or printing it in a card. It was so horrific to me all I could do was laugh in disbelief.
On September 11th my neurologist called me from a conference to inform me the MRI confirmed I’d had a hemorrhagic stroke that took out my capacity to read. Moreover, she informed me it had started to heal by the time the imaging was done, likely, in part, due to my diligence to work on the skill systematically.
I’ve learned in consultations since that day that my treatment is challenging and my risk for more strokes and even an aneurysm is high and can not be predicted. Fearing the unknowable is at the heart of my experience.
Fearing the Unknowable Unlocks Transferable Strategies
I’ve learned that fearing the unknowable erupts out of a disconcerting, unstable disruption. We are all looking for order. Even someone like me who relishes change and novelty. I have moved so many times in my life because new surroundings inspire and entice me. When I was in hospital in 2011 after my ischemic stroke I asked my sister to bring me Mona Lisa Schulz’s book, “Intuition from Within”. I concluded as I read it that I was without foundation and that was a contributing factor in my stroke. A couple of week’s later I arranged a consultation with Dr. Schulz only to have her challenge my conclusion strongly, insisting I was tremendously stable and that I needed to find my lesson elsewhere. The feeling of the unknowable in that instant took me to an erroneous conclusion, as I soon saw clearly.
This latest hemorrhagic stroke has provided me with new insights into the transferable strategies to live with the inevitable lack of knowing that is before me and that ultimately impacts each and every one of us to varying degrees, below are three of those.
Last week I mentioned shame. The impact of fearing the unknowable, however, is a lesson in the power of structure and certainty and the importance of connecting. In place of shame, when fearing the unknown we feel lost and without anchor. These three strategies are just the tip of the iceberg but a critical first few steps.
Strategy 1: Risk Pressing Your Strengths
Fearing the unknowable makes believing in our self difficult. We lose sight of who we are and our ability to make an impact. This often drives us to hide our selves or retreat from taking risks even in the areas where we have strength and experience. When in this state of fear, taking risks is the most important antidote to break the fear or reduce its hold over us.
Strategy 2: Diligently Seek Input and Support
It is when we are feeling most vulnerable we need to ask for help. It seems obvious and yet so many of us retreat and feel that asking for support is a sign of weakness at a time when we are feeling the lowest. Seeking every bit of help that is available may be tough but it is exactly what is needed when fearing the unknowable. Support groups and experts/professionals both have a place in this circle of support.
Strategy 3: Pay Attention and Establish Boundaries
I’m fortunate. I live in a city with world class healthcare and a country with Universal access to care. The Stroke Prevention Clinic where my neurologist practices offers full out-patient care including rehabilitation services. I’ve had a team supporting my every move.
I went into my first consultation after this stroke afraid of a few things. Would she believe me? I could articulate myself well. Something like reading is hard to prove. She didn’t have a baseline to evaluate me against. Was I exaggerating? Was this all in my head – no pun intended, really. Is this irrational? Perhaps but I remember thanking her for believing me.
She was patient and even loving when she called me a few days after the MRI to inform me I had a stroke and the unique nature of the findings and her specific concerns. I had plenty of questions in my shock. The emotion didn’t surface until I tried to thank her for making the time to call me from her conference to ensure I heard the news from her. “Thank you, Dr. Casaubon, I feel cared for,” I remember saying. Even as I heard myself say it, I knew how true and wonderful it felt.
I still feel that from her follow up and the work of the entire team. The strategies we’ve co-created allowed me to continue my work including hosting a conference less than three months after the stroke. I was scared I had lost my capacity to do that work and taking the risk rather than hiding away showed me my own strength and resilience. Members of the team have demonstrated patience and caring as I’ve cried about the impact of “stroke fatigue” and lost energy. I sought solace in what my Physiatrist called “the walking wounded experience.”
Fearing the unknowable – strategies from the BYI System
Fear isn’t really a motivator. A few clients have tried to make the argument that it is. Fear clouds judgment, makes us sloppy and even clumsy. Just the same we can’t avoid the feeling. Denying it is common. Running from it is one approach. Developing useful strategies is essential. Moreover, being deeply self-aware is essential to matching the strategy to the source of the fear. To get what we truly want in life we need to be willing to seek help and take risks. My story today certainly reflected this.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
In closing, I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, so:
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!8