Feeling content may start with being happy with who you are AND it definitely results in it. Behaving from this feeling attracts people to you because of the depth and meaning it generates in who you are being and what you are doing every single day.
In the recording of this week’s podcast episode dropped Monday, I quote Ben Franklin about how contentment making us richer. This thought was contrasted by a podcast “The Ezra Klein Show” interview with Daniel Markovits on his book The Meritocracy Trap. I ultimately connect Maslow and Baumeister with the reason for seeking contentment by valuing it as a desired outcome.
For the newsletter I walk through a journey to discover what may disrupt feelings of contentment. I have an series of experiences on Tuesday that helped me see how easily this intention emotion can be derailed by how I choose to interpret my situation.
In the Wednesday video post on Instagram (abbreviated version)and LinkedIn, I share an insight about what prompted me to reject contentment as a viable or valuable goal for most of my life and career and I encourage all to rethink what may be colouring their perspective on seeking contentment in their life.
Finally, in this post I dig a bit more deeply into both why we may resist feeling content and what makes it so critical to both achieving our desired outcomes and forming the healthiest relationships.
Why We Resist Feeling Content
Remember last week when I wrote about sticky habits? I wrote that a sticky habit serves us at a specific time and, when it ceases to be useful, it may be so deeply ingrained, we fail to see it as a habit anymore. It’s simply part of who we are. It is difficult to shed until we see it as a habit we developed.
We fail to build the necessary and related habits, when feeling content is not valued. It won’t become second nature as a result. Until a behaviour becomes automatic, it’s not a habit. Feeling content is one key ingredient to living a happy and satisfied life, so we need to figure out how to make it a default.
Feelings of contentment are not recognized, let alone valued, in my experience in the workplace. We don’t find much evidence indicating it is included in performance drivers in organizations of any kind. Even before entering the work world, very little of our time in academia from pre-kindergarten on is devoted to building the skills or behaviours related to contentment. Nap mat-time in the kindergarten years may be the only example that falls into this category. In Canada and the US, performance is tied to striving. This is not true in every society, of course. Further more, our performance is specifically attached to striving for more and to get their faster. This is partly why I was horrified to catch myself in the LinkedIn video this week challenging my listeners to get to contentment faster than I did.
We resist seeking contentment because we want to be seen as striving. Additionally, we want to be viewed as belonging in a world that values the achiever.
How We Perform Differently When Feeling Content
People perform better when they feel content. They are also happier and lead fuller and more meaningful lives. Strangely, the top 1% or .1% on the income earning charts are anything but content, generally speaking. How is this possible? Perhaps we are too quick to evaluate appearances as signs of high performance.
If performance is strictly measured by the ability to earn money or create wealth my theory won’t connect for you. If high performance is connected to building or adding value in the broadest sense of the word, then we are speaking the same language.
A person who is content within them self, is likely the one who is confident. It is a genuine confidence. An energy that presents with depth. A presence that is engaging and appealing.
Is this the kind of performance we’ll see in an elite athlete or a billionaire tech start-up entrepreneur or a world leader? Likely, no.
We also won’t see contentment in the derivatives or high speed trader or the hacker or often in the orthopedic, thoracic or neuro surgeon. These are specialties that require a kind of drive that feeds the striving habit, not the contentment. Do the add value in the world? Perhaps the surgeons are examples that might. If it appears obvious they do, I share a quick story below. One surgeon was focused on adding value. The other, the transaction.
My Stroke Story…
In 2011 I suffered a stroke – an ischemic stroke. The doctors couldn’t find the cause. I was entertained by many intrusive diagnostic tests to resolve the puzzle. A brain biopsy was the final recommendation, after exhausting all reasonable diagnostics. In other words, they would cause a type of stroke to find a treatment. My answer was no.
Intense pressure came next. I agreed to accept a consult from a neurosurgeon. A Resident told me this surgeon was one of the new whiz kids in the field. I was very lucky. My decision was almost immediate. This surgeon would not be cutting into my brain. He’s arrogant and condescending. He appeared to find my questions annoying. One of the nurses told me later than he is likely not accustomed to dealing with stroke patients who are willing to challenge him, and his ego couldn’t withstand it.
My neurologist, rheumatologist and the head of diagnostics immediately asked me to accept a second opinion. I decided to humour them. A few days later I met Dr. Wallace, an experienced and highly regarded neurosurgeon in Toronto. He came into my room one evening and join me as I sat in the corner drinking my tea and reading. We had a lovely 20-minute conversation about life and family. I respected and trusted him especially when he explained our conversation was part of confirming his review of all my brain images. Ultimately, he told me he saw no value in me agreeing to a brain biopsy. He is the one who informed me it’s essentially causing a stroke in a controlled setting. To paraphrase him, it is not advisable for an otherwise healthy woman. He also invited me to call him any time if I needed a consult on related matters.
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The Double Impact of Relationships on Feeling Content
Perhaps my story already made the key point. Dr. Wallace and I don’t have a relationship. We don’t work together. We don’t socialize. He saw me as a person though.
Dr. Wallace was content with his skills and knowledge. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. The highly touted whiz kid surgeon, on the other hand, was more concerned about getting to do the surgery. He didn’t ask me anything. He took no interest in me as a person.
This is a unique type of relationship. Does this story translate into other relationships? I think so.
While examining my own experience with feeling content this week, I made an interesting discovery. I need more data but it’s worth sharing. In my observation disharmony in relationship had the biggest impact on my ability to remain in the feeling of contentment. I’m not talking about conflict. In fact, I had a bit of a dust-up with someone this week but because I was largely feeling content and confident in my own skin that day, I was able to respond to it and move past it very quickly. I also found my desired feeling affirmed and fueled by the creative and spirited exchanges with clients and dear friends. It had nothing to do with agreement or easy emotional exchanges. It was more about the genuine and positive intent of the engagement itself.
My conclusion is that we are both derailed and empowered by the way we build and engage in our relationships. Feelings of contentment are deeply tied to our connection to each other.
A final word before the credits…
Being content, may not be a constant. Feeling content may simply be about how we interpret what is happening to us and how we translate it into meaning. To retain and build on the feeling we must develop the capacity to notice when we are moving away from the feeling of contentment. Losing our balance. We then have a choice. With choice we increase our self-awareness. Meaningful contentment and confidence are built on self-awareness.
When ready for another level of self-awareness, register for my Ask Rox RoundTables on Zoom or consider participating in a conference I’m co-chairing in Toronto in November called the #FeMasCon – ference. We are digging into identity, culture and performance with a healthy twist.
Feeling Content – a by product from the BYI System
Increased confidence is the most common piece of feedback I receive from clients who participate in my coaching and hence are exposed to my BYI System. Initially this surprised me. Frankly I was disappointed client’s weren’t immediately saying their resilience blossomed or their presence became more powerful or sense of belonging boosted. Those are my three intended benefits. My delight grew the more I processed the excitement or surprise from clients who either had never expected to feel this or hadn’t realized there was room to increase their self confidence.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, you can…
- Book me to speakat your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!8