Feeling inadequate? Even some of the time? Turns out the blame game that many play, keeps them small and limits their agency. They feel like they’re not enough. Many may even be stuck within what we often call an inferiority complex.
Choosing instead to build a deep self awareness will help anyone to move past this by engaging in discovery. Exploring what really matters most. Moreover, this quest will empower both greater agency and resilience EVEN when the road ahead is narrow or full of pot holes.
Monday’s podcast episode bounces around bit on feelings of inadequacy landing ultimately on a great piece of advice an old mentor offered me. He ultimately told me empowerment was the antidote for feeling inadequate and inferior or stuck in self-doubt. Furthermore he impressed on me that empowerment was an inside job, not one that the external world could offer meaningfully.
Wednesday’s newsletter explores my feelings of inadequacy when starting my podcast four years ago. The Instagram and LinkedIn story also touches on a couple of things I learned to do to stay resilient in the face of this debilitating feeling.
Finally, this blog post brings it all together focusing on a possible source of the feeling itself and few strategies or techniques to break it.
Feeling Inadequate? What’s the source?
Is blame and shame the source of feeling inadequate?
Casting blame at another is one way of deflecting blame or shame each of us feels. We call it projecting. I think there’s value in examining the patterns of blame and shame to better understand it. We reduce the unconscious impact it has over us when we do.
For example, I am annoyed when people waste my time with long winded stories – lately I’ve enjoyed noticing when it just may fall into the category of mansplaining. Strangely, when I reflected on a good personal example to use here I was shocked at how revelatory the resulting insight was for me. I’m terrible at getting caught in the minutiae of a story. Often I feel shame when realizing I may have over-shared or monopolized the time. I love story. My father was an exceptional story teller and I believed I was too. Then I was on the receiving end of a few hurtful digs about my long winded stories and feelings of inadequacy plagued me for years. (If you haven’t noticed I worked through this – I am a story teller once again!)
Is our social structure a systemic factor in feelings of inadequacy?
Women, or men for that matter, are not a monolith. That said, women, generally speaking, experience feelings of inadequacy more commonly. My reading of some of the research on learned helplessness, having never studied the specific impact of socialization on this phenomenon, suggests a greater number of women experience feelings of inadequacy. These feelings appear to generate higher rates of depression too.
Socialization and social systems appear to be significant contributing factors so that may point to the source – a person’s self-awareness, identity. Perhaps it’s related to what we often refer to as the degree to which someone is grounded. In other words, rooted or stable.
For example, for two years I hosted the Rotman RoundTables inviting groups of men to engage in dialogue on misogyny, patriarchy and gender equity. I learned a lot.
Breaking the Feeling of Inadequacy
In the past month two very different clients specifically expressed feelings of inadequacy. First, one told me he wished he’d stayed in the old job where he was really good. Second, a client, who took a lateral move to a new variation in her industry, expressed deep feelings of anxiety as a result of feeling she lost her edge.
Two Approaches
I took two slightly different approaches in supporting these individuals. They’ve been clients for 8 months and a few years, respectively, so I know them well. In the first, he chose to take a significant leap in his career, making it easy for me, from a distance, to anticipate this experience. As for the second, historically we’d observed a pattern of self-doubt in new environments. We prepared for this potentiality when she decided to entertain new offers and make this change.
In the first case, my approach was to encourage. We collaborated in building a victory log of sorts to remind him of how he’d overcome similar challenges in the past. What he’d done in the past to gain a reasonable level of confidence. Additionally, we worked on how to project confidence, because it mattered in his new role, not arrogance, while he found his equilibrium. I offer a couple JIT calls to clients as part of every contract. He’s used both this quarter and in less than four weeks he is reporting finding his “inner boss”, as he said.
In the second, the focus was on applying the skills and models we’d explored over time and in preparation for this move. We unpacked specific situations as they arose. Sometimes we practiced the model as a way of assessing the situation. In other cases, all I needed to do was mention a tool and she acknowledged her ability to apply it.
The Break-Through
What made the two approaches above effective to break the feeling of inadequacy?
Encouragement is the most powerful way to break down feelings of inadequacy. As a young professional I was invited to join the board for a Habitat for Humanity Chapter in Canada. I chaired fundraising and, in an effort, to lead the way I’d seek meetings with executives in banking, insurance and investment firms. One executive offered a piece of sage advice. “Roxanne, you’re going to face debilitating challenges and your biggest obstacle resides within you.” He went on to tell me that he’d learned that self-doubt was his most brutal adversary. He proceeded to show me his victory log where he tracked every success, big and small, personal and professional. This list helped encourage him when entering a big negotiation or facing a significant hurdle. It was a great lesson and I still recall laughing as I read through the log on his desk.
Taking stock of skills and resources already developed is another way to build on past success. What was it about the conversation I had with the second client that made it possible for her to recognize the value in applying tools and models when she couldn’t see it before? When we are in a threatening situation, our mind fails to make the important connections. Furthermore, it can make erroneous connections that do more harm than good. A coach knows and loves their client but isn’t stuck in the middle of the drama so is able to light the way forward when it’s hazy.
Feeling Inadequate in the BYI System
Throughout the week I’ve proposed the antidote to feeling inadequate is empowerment. Moreover, as described in the approaches above, encouragement and skill development are both foundational to cultivating feelings of empowerment. At the heart of being empowered – power to – is self-awareness.
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is all about developing and embedding self-awareness. The benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversation and eventually a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available to organizations but will be added to the system in two years).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you ( my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me…
In April 2018, I was struck by what felt like a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that is working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTER for an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team, you can…
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!