Regret is paralyzing. When “woulda-coulda-shoulda” becomes the attitude of choice, regrets compound. This attitude ultimately produces a landslide of regret by hiding within an obligatory mindset.
“There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth. “
– Charles Dickens
Refusing to, or delaying the work of, reflection on what we want our life to produce or mean is a common oversight. It is not necessary though. Regrets are a waste of energy at any time. They do, however, wake us up to a need for change. It is time to wake up!
The 2020 theme of identity continues. When we fail to explore our identity, what is core for us, we create a greater possibility for regret at a later time. Identity is stitched together by our choices, influenced by the circumstances of our birth, and still our responsibility to develop.
In the Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped June 8th, I share the experience of two clients and how they each responded to a realization of regret at an early age.
For the newsletter, I return to two stories from my youth. One of an extremely accomplished professor who was mired in regret and the other my aunt who died just as she embarked on an adventure, following her heart.
Finally, in this post I examine the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” dismissive expression by considering specifically the could and should of it,
Defining the Attitude
Before examining elements of the expression “woulda, coulda, shoulda” as an attitude that contributes to building regret, I want to define it.
The phrase is an expression of a dismissive or disappointment concerning, at its core, our potential. It reflects, while diminishing, feelings of regret. Furthermore, it may be related to a statement, question, explanation, course of action, or occurrence involving hypothetical possibilities, uncertain facts, or missed opportunities. Regardless, it is a means of trivializing a loss. Moreover, a loss, that has the potential to become a regret.
Regret what Could Have Been
I spoke of the loss that becomes a regret. What could have been? If only?
So often when we diminish a loss as a means to get over it, we fail to learn from it. This is a huge mistake. Moreover, it is one many of us make frequently. In our attempt to not feel the loss we stuff it down, refusing to examine it.
What could have been turns into a story we tell ourselves. Eventually, that story becomes part of our identity. It is played over an over in our minds and potentially defines us, guiding our response repeatedly.
The most powerful way to let go of the regret driven by this phenomenon is to re-frame the story and look more closely for the lessons. One reason I work with those in their 30’s who have career experience is that they have had a few of these experiences already. Furthermore, digging them up early, we are able to reduce the long term impact of letting the loss go unchecked.
One client laughed about his story and told me it was the cost of doing business. He didn’t intend to open it up and find the lesson. As we worked together, that misshapen story kept showing its ugly head. Eventually he agreed we needed to examine it. It offered the source of the pattern that was developing and holding him hostage in his career. When he re-framed the narrative he could see the helpful lesson and put the experience behind him and the shift in his approach was able to lead him forward. Perhaps we caught it early enough that this will be one regret he has thoughtfully avoided while opening up many possibilities.
Regret What We Should Have Done
On the other hand, what should have been is the result of our failure to learn the lesson and put it into action.
This is exactly what makes the source, as discussed above, critical.
What could have been has a hopeful undertone, while signals the fact we failed to identify the lesson. When we “should” on ourselves we have sunk into blame and the regret is so much more toxic. While we can examine “could-have” by examining the narrative that ensued, “should-have” typically indicates a pattern has emerged.
While patterns and habits may be part of the work to re-frame the narrative, once we dig the hole so far that we are in self blame or self-loathing even, the dig or the dive is much more messy. In my observation when a client has gotten this far into the hole, regret has already set in. Now we must clear the debris before we are able to see and explore the possibilities.
The bottom line in all of this is, not to let it take hold in the first place. By engaging with a coach, we avoid or reduce the impact of these sorts of holes. A coach holds space for us to stay in a healthy self-awareness. Coaches don’t ask questions and hold clients accountable to serve their agenda. We are reflective partners with our eye on the desired destination. Not the coach’s destination but the client’s. The way we learn to apply an observer mind is by working with one.
Life is one big Experiment
When we choose to bring an iterative or experimental mindset to assessing where we are, what we have done, and where we want to be, we are more resourceful. On the other hand, when we take the dismissive, judgmental approach of “woulda-coulda-shoulda”, we actually limit or reduce our options. The accountable and responsible approach to taking stock is one of curiosity. It is what will open options up helping us to see new pathways that exist.
We may be capable of more closely monitoring and learning from our choices and decisions and build capacity to adjust our actions to meet the current situation. Then, we may influence how things unfold. There’s a difference between wanting something and making something happen. With the mindset necessary to perform under pressure we are able to influence results more deeply. This mindset that relies on clarity, curiosity and a resilient spirit we accept no excuses, only meaningful results. Furthermore, it’s essential we have a system to evaluate the risk of any action, removing the very human emotions that cloud our judgment. Walk with me. Together let’s examine options consciously and authentically to make choices that move us strategically toward where we want to be. Strategy is a about choices. Execution on these choices requires masterful performance. Furthermore, a well developed process allows us to enjoy the journey far more fully.
Be part of the journey in 2020.
Start by subscribing to my mailing list . Subscribers receive:
- My interactive exercise to begin reducing the impacts of stress and feelings of overwhelm will be sent.
- My newsletter with the related podcast episode will be sent weekly.
- Special offers will be available to subscribers monthly including: a random offer of a complimentary one hour coaching conversation, access to roundtable engagements and group coaching on identity and related subjects, as well as information on an initiative on which I’m collaborating: #FeMasCon.
Regrets are Eliminated with Bank Your Impact (BYI)
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021). My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In all my blog posts in 2019, you will find this section outlines what brought me to this area of focus: supporting people in the early to middle part of their career as a #performance #coach.
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me… My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below are TWO ways to start, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list. You’ll receive an interactive exercise that you may use to reduce and manage stress or feelings of overwhelm. PLUS each week you’ll receive my podcast and reflections in your inbox AND you’ll be invited to monthly webinars and roundtable conversations.
In closing, I love bringing learning experiences to workplaces that are interested in raising their performance and encouraging their people.
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits! In 2020 I’ve added a few workshops on gender engagement – how, by knocking off the boxes that limit us by gender we all find our capacity expands.