Communicate clearly, realizing your patterns reveal more than you intend. An ability to shift intentionally & effectively from the active to passive voice puts you one step closer to communicating from & with self awareness.
I ranted in this week’s podcast episode. The focus is on men who fall into passive voice when talking about “women’s” issues UNTIL they realize these are human issues we share. Once they are described in active terms, responsibility and accountability grows.
This week’s newsletter includes a story of a client who realized his anger about being passed over for a promotion was taking him into passive voice, effecting his thinking, and holding him back.
The Instagram and LinkedIn Wednesday story (LinkedIn offers the full video) I reference the recent release of the report from the Inquiry on Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls in Canada. The finding of genocide based on the action, or inaction, in Canada to protect these women and girls and their communities, is painful to accept. Prime Minister Trudeau surprised some by accepting the findings. He did so by reducing the sting slightly, calling it cultural genocide. Overall, the response from officials and the public is often being couched in passive language.
This blog post is my attempt to bring together some general thoughts on the theme. Exploring why to shift between active and passive with a bit on how. I actually use a Raptor reference. I offer thoughts on why it matters, touching on how to assess and adjust. Before closing with a description of how it is handled in my BYI system, I share the lesson I learned when reflecting on the comments my grade 12 English teacher made.
Why and How to Shift?
It’s still advisable to use more active than passive language. The goal is clarity and ownership of the outcomes produced in one’s life.
Passive language adds context and meaning, when it’s used to emphasize an action, its impact, or the recipient, rather than the doer. For example, when the approach in writing or research is the focus of a thought rather than the writer, or the subject, passive language makes sense. The desired impact drives the decision of how to frame the communication. Communication is situational.
I watched the Raptors win the championship last night, so this example sprang to mind. The ball went off Siakam’s hands, out of bounds. My stomach churned in that moment. Notice I wasn’t focused on Danny Green in that statement because my focus was glued on what happened with the ball, in that moment, not who passed it. Saying, Green passed unwisely, and the Raptors lost possession, is active but doesn’t capture my experience as clearly. The focus, at that time in the game and series, was the ball and the result – that’s passive and perfectly descriptive of that situation.
Active language is often more useful. Imagine that same play happened early in the season. A coach, choosing to provide feedback, wouldn’t describe it in that passive way to Danny Green. In fact, that description, after just any game, may be incomprehensible. Active language is ownership and is necessary in most situations, especially when change or learning is the desired outcome. Even better, the active language may convey what to do instead.
So, when choosing a style of communicating, the desired impact is an important consideration. With practice, we begin noticing when language unnecessarily focuses on blame. Additionally, it’s important to be aware of when passive language is used to shield oneself from responsibility.
Why it Matters?
Language reflects thinking and feeling. Perhaps it’s a barometer reading. When engaging with clients I listen carefully not to just the intended message in what is being said but the structure and type of language used. Moreover I find when people stray off their “talking points” in response to a couple of probing questions, the use of language is extraordinarily revealing.
There are times clients are surprised when I ask them to clarify a feeling or underlying reaction they’re experiencing related to something they’re describing. As we work together, they realize I’m not reading their minds. It’s all in their language. The other day I asked a new client if she felt she was unappreciated in the company and what she wanted to do about it? She was quiet for a long time before asking how I knew. “I’ve been careful to only share good things so far because I want to be constructive” she said. I’d observed some passive language that indicated she felt disconnected. It was obvious she didn’t like feeling that way as she over emphasizing the banal positive. It created a powerful moment in our engagement. She committed herself to watching when she does this in her self-talk and when engaging with her colleagues.
Learning to notice the movement between active and passive language matters because of what it teaches us.
How to Assess and Adjust?
It isn’t easy to notice when one is in passive language. It requires deep self-awareness. First, get ready to pay attention to feelings. Most people put a barrier up to block feelings. Remember they are neither good or bad. It’s how one thinks about a feeling that makes it so. With the ability to simply notice feelings, the distance generated allows one to assess it with greater clarity. Then the questions can be asked.
Am I taking responsibility in this moment when it is about the other person or the situation?
One example that comes to mind, in keeping with my rant in the podcast episode, is sexual harassment. Most women tell themselves the story in the active. I brought this on myself. I’m weak. I don’t fit in. This is active voice when the answer to the question I posed is: I am not responsible for the bad behaviour of the other person. I am also not responsible for the company’s weak policies on sexual harassment that allows this behaviour to go unattended. Interestingly, the moment one is able to focus on the behaviour of the other party or the policy they are also able to see their role in the situation and respond appropriately.
Is this a moment when, by accepting my ability to be accountable, I can make a difference?
Same example from another perspective. Most men behaving badly talk in passive language as a way to focus on the recipient, the accuser, rather than the perpetrator. She asked for it. She doesn’t belong here and I had to put her in her place. Women don’t know their place. There is more talk about the victims of sexual harassment than the perpetrators. Of course a periods of time, the MeToo movement flipped the script. It was interesting to notice how quickly many started to feel sorry for the perpetrators then. Passive language was applied as a way of absolving powerful perpetrators of responsibility. Like the men in the Rotman RoundTables did, as I describe in the podcast, when making inequity a women’s problem,as a way to justify men’s actions to resist any progress.
When powerful people, leaders in government and enterprise, accept responsibility rather than shield themselves, progress is made. Becoming more aware of language is an important first step. Calling out unhealthy use of the passive or active voice when seeing or experiencing it is a critical next step. Being sensitive to when it is getting in the way of clarity or accountability is the ultimate goal.
Lessons from My Grade 12 English Teacher
Why did I shift to more passive voice in grade 12?
Voice Lessons in the BYI System
Last week a core message was that building personal power (empowerment) was an antidote to feelings of inadequacy. Bringing attention to how the application of voice expresses this empowerment rests at the foot of this week’s message.
When I was a child, all the way through most of my undergrad studies I had a voice teacher. Of course it was for singing but performance, expressing and emoting, is a core part of the work too. While this week the emphasis is on syntax primarily, it’s lovely to think perhaps there were a few lessons on enunciation and projection that inform me as I incorporate voice in the BYI system.
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is all about developing and embedding self-awareness. The benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations and I will eventually add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in two years).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you ( my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me…
In April 2018, I was struck by what felt like a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that is working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTER for an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
Of course I’d love to bring my work to your team, you can…
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!