What’s the lesson? It is a signature phrase for me. Being in learning mode is effortful and it requires self regulation and a deep desire to be in continuous growth but it pays off. I know that. I’ve seen it in my own life and career. Practice it with a generous dose of self compassion.
The Kickass Koach podcast episode dropped Monday, zones in on the importance of having a strategy to learn from feedback, even unsolicited feedback. The quicker we can get to asking what’s the lesson in a bit of feedback the less threatening it will feel.
For the newsletter I expand on the topic of feedback and share a story of a client learning how his approach to delivering feedback was exacerbating feelings of threat in his direct reports.
Learning experiences can evoke feelings of threat. In this week’s Instagram and LinkedIn I share how a trusted colleague offered me feedback that has shifted the way I see learning experiences.
Finally, in this post, I examine the moment when a lesson is available and the mindset of turning it into a learning experience.
What’s the Lesson Today?
It is difficult to face a lesson. The moment a lesson appears our brain feels a threat. This is normal. The trick is to be prepared to notice the feeling of threat, diagnose it and employ a strategy to minimize its impact.
It’s kind of like calling plays in football. In our game of learning, we are the quarterback. When first learning to play we may need to examine video of different plays and how the opposition responds. We work on a playbook with our coach and reflect on strategies. We tailor our game to a particular situation and opponent. Then, when we’re ready we may even call a play from the huddle to move the game along and when we get really confident we can adjust a plan from the line of scrimmage. It requires practice and reflection to become effective in preparing for the field of learning.
When we have a plan we are better able to see a lesson unfold. When we engage a coach we have someone to review the tape with and adjust for the future. Lessons are not always as clear as we’d hope so it takes some exploration to find the hidden nuances.
The importance of this approach is that the threat quickly becomes secondary to the discovery.
A story…
I was in my mid 30’s. I’d accomplished a lot and was running my own department where we looked at data and results to advise our internal client (operations) to maximize performance. My team was really good at finding connections and possible options and solutions to improve outputs and outcomes.Furthermore, I was proud of our work. I was more than capable of advocating for our ideas and solutions to ensure they were implemented.
One day I was having breakfast with one of our internal clients, a senior executive in charge of one of the fastest growing business units in this large corporation. After acknowledging the great work my department was doing and the impact it was making, she mentioned her counterparts had asked her to talk with me about something. My heart dropped. I felt a lesson coming on and I wasn’t prepared for this.
I trusted this executive but I wasn’t happy with the feedback. Apparently a few of the regional directors in more than one business unit were complaining about me. They were uniformly delighted with the work of my department. However, they found me difficult. The feedback I received was: “perhaps you need to think about whether it is more important for you to be right or effective, when dealing with these directors.” I was livid.
What’s the lesson – being generative
Developing a generative approach is useful when navigating the many lessons that are available. It is an openness or an expansiveness that allows for many options to appear. When we are able to see a variety of options, the anxiety of being challenged turns into creativity quickly.
Going back to my quarterback analogy. When faced by a shifted defense a generative player will shift the game plan to take advantage of the potential opportunity. When we foster a generative spirit we see more options more quickly. It requires a person to prepare by considering possibilities.
The story continue…
I had heard men found me difficult for much of my career. I am a strong and straightforward person who speaks in declarative statements so I sound demanding rather than collaborative.
My first instinct when receiving this feedback was combative. Firstly, since my team was doing such a great job identifying opportunities for improvement, why was I needed to adjust to their sensitivities. In fact I remember thinking, what could possibly be the problem with being right!
Once I moved through the feelings of being threatened by the negative feedback I saw the learning. I first saw it when I considered who I wanted to be. I loved being a problem solver. My team was filled with creative geniuses and I was able to inspire the best from them. When I looked at it that way I realized this feedback was an opportunity for me to be better. To perform at a higher level. Furthermore, it became clear that this might be how they feel when I challenge their way of doing things. That fresh framing opened my willingness to learn.
A final word before the credits…
I’ve benefited from learning a related lesson. We all, have access to the full spectrum of human behaviour. I was free to choose behaviours or approaches that fit in both the feminine and masculine boxes when I learned this. I didn’t have to simply be demure and deferential from a feminine perspective to be liked. AND, I didn’t have to challenge every guy to be taken seriously. Choosing the approach that fit the situation was the key to navigating a successful career.
Have you heard about the #FeMasCon? It’s a conference examining performance and excellence with a healthy twist! We are exploring how, by accessing the full continuum of human attributes, boxed as the feminine and masculine, we can all live a more productive, constructive and satisfying life. Join us in Toronto on November 10th. As a reader, feel free to reach out to me directly for a discount code.
What’s the lesson – the question of the BYI System
Continuous learning is a cornerstone of generating and sustaining a deep self-awareness. A foundational goal of the BYI System is finding this power and learning how to execute it effectively. Finding the lesson in life’s challenges is a key element in becoming deeply self-aware. To get what we truly want in life we need to see lessons when they are available. Additionally, we need to build on them frequently.
A healthy meaningful and full life is made possible with clarity about our values, beliefs, patterns and habits. Additionally, our quality of life is influenced and shaped by our unique blend of strengths and inclinations. Furthermore, a growth mindset and open-minded approach are foundations to sustaining this healthy sense of self.
The System
The Bank Your Impact (BYI) System is about both developing and embedding self-awareness. Furthermore, the benefits of expanded resilience, connections built on understanding the impact of belonging and an ability to bolster a professional and authentic presence are foundational. Perhaps more than the other two, developing a foundational resilience is critical to with standing that which moves us into burnout.
The current system incorporates 1:1 coaching, roundtable conversations; eventually I’ll add a neuro-social learning experience (currently only available in organizational contracts but will be added to the system for individual engagement in 2021).
My approach is based on the ICF (International Coaching Federation) standards. I’m meeting you (my clients) where you are, both as the coaching agreement begins, and in the moment that exists at the time of each conversation. Progress or growth is not a straight line. The ICA model is the framework for every conversation: Issue/Insight, Choice/Commitment, Action/Accountability. Over the past year I’ve been tightening the model to meet the needs of my clients.
Holding space to support my clients in:
- Developing meaningful insights
- Expanding/deepening perspective on those insights
- Building/designing a practice to try on new ways of being/seeing OR experiment for discovery
- Assessing progress, becoming agile in transfer of learning and application before developing additional insights
An organic experience
The experience is tailored around what you bring to each conversation, in my experience, there are common themes that arise including: self-awareness, mindfulness, mindset, communication, connections, and attitude. Self-awareness stands alone but is also a foundational theme. I have registered upwards of 40 sub-concepts that fit under each of these categories. Furthermore, I bring tools, skills and techniques to respond and guide our work together, informed by positive psychology, neuroscience, and management/leadership research.
Walk With Me, to Where You Want to Be
In April 2018, I was struck by, what felt like, a call of purpose; an insight of sorts. It inspired me to shift the focus of my practice. I’m now walking with 30 somethings. People who are at a pivotal spot in life and career. Whether THERE by age or spirit, I want to walk with people at this place in their life. This is a time in life when we are natural SEEKERS. We’re ready to do some self exploration & find the real meaning of our life? It is also a time when we are more likely to get stuck and make poor choices.
The research suggests people embrace their inner REBEL during their 20’s (the most rebellious after the toddler days in fact). If you are passive in your 20’s you will want to get curious about that too! Most of us slip quietly and comfortably though into ACCOMMODATOR in our 30’s. This documented pattern grabbed my attention and my mission was made clear. Moreover, I’m intent on resurfacing, or igniting, that inner rebel, whose perspective, now shaped with more experience, may offer insights many typically miss when insight and awareness matter most.
In June 2018 I took a course in story telling. I was intent on finding my “Big Why” to help me understand my purpose for shifting my practice. Ultimately, I landed on my story. It spans from my childhood, with a pivotal point in my early 20’s finally culminating in a significant career turning-point at the age of 37. This story revealed an unhealthy pattern while illuminating my new purpose. In fact, I feel motivated when remembering the moment of insight because this transition is difficult. Ultimately though, it adds meaning to my work. Listen below…
Feel like you’re living someone else’s destiny?
If that’s working for you, great. If it isn’t or it starts to be a problem, reach out. I welcome a conversation.
Willing to do the work to find more meaning?
With the skills to unpack the emotions and barriers and triggers and mindset challenges with the skills in my BYI system, participants begin to see the impact in their career and finally begin to discover what matters most to them. The bonus: they begin to see a path to get there. Join me…
My system is intended to be meaningful, relevant, accessible and affordable. With that in mind, there are many ways to engage with me. Below find THREE ways to get started, without spending a dime.
Walk with Me!
- REGISTERfor an ASK ROX RoundTable… TWO LIVE 50 minute engagements available at your desk or phone – the second Tuesday and the last Friday of every month – limited to 12 participants in each and FREE in 2019.
- BOOK a complimentary exploratory 1:1 conversation 20-30 minutes.
- SUBSCRIBE to my mailing list from my home page, receive an interactive exercise helping you cope with stress, and a weekly reflection.
In closing, I’d love to bring my work to your team or workplace, so:
- Book me to speak at your conference or to a group in your organization. My workshops on building resilience, improving workplace outcomes through relationships, and increasing performance are big hits!8